I was driving in to work this morning, and I was pondering the question of why, just when I have so much personal "stuff" to deal with, is this the time that the people who I thought were my friends decide to turn on me. Of course most of them don't know about my personal issues, but somehow that doesn't make it any easier to swallow. When I think about everything I've written about my connection with these people, how a void in my life was filled by them, I just sort of feel betrayed. And I know that, individually, each of them did not decide to start acting this way. In the simplest of terms, it's like a collective punch in the gut.
But suddenly I thought of something I'd read and identified so strongly with, and I felt like there might be some relevance to this poem. It bears repeating, so I think I will do just that:
BEATITUDES FOR THE WEIRD
Blessed are the weird people ~ poets, misfits, writers, mystics, heretics, painters & troubadours...
for they teach us to see the world through different eyes.
Blessed are those who embrace the intensity of life's pain and pleasure... for they shall be rewarded with uncommon ecstasy.
Blessed are ye who see beauty in ugliness... for you shall transform our vision of how the world might be.
Blessed are the bold and whimsical... for their imagination shatters ancient boundaries of fear for us all.
Blessed are ye who are mocked for unbridled expression of love in all its forms...because your kind of crazy is exactly that freedom for which the world is unconsciously begging.
Blessed are those who have endured breaking by life... for they are the resplendent cracks through which the light shines.
I'm a weirdo, and this is something I've always known, but this poem sort of solidified it for me. I figure...
~ I qualify as a writer or a troubadour, or both
~ I definitely see beauty in ugliness, always have. How could I possibly cringe at the details of my good friend's shot in the eye when I know that it prevents her from losing her eyesight? How could that possibly be anything but beautiful?
~ The others have yet to be determined, but I know that I can choose to embrace this difficult time in my life and view it as an experience that will further shape the person that I am and the person that I am continually evolving into. I can choose to look at these people who seem to be turning on me and just accept that they are reacting to their own frustrations. I can do all of this, and then I can just wait patiently for the uncommon ecstasy - although I have a feeling that I've already experienced it and with any luck, I will continue to do so.
It is the other weirdos out there that will see me through. Thank you so, so much ..... YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!
Friday, April 12, 2013
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Blue
I hope that people who have children living nearby realize how lucky they are. I've had the need to talk about my vacation - the good and the bad, my niece, my mother in law, my place in Bill's crazy family. Mandy is the one who would really understand, but she is hardly ever free to talk when I am free to talk. Sure enough, she called me (which hardly ever happens)... yesterday, 5 minutes before I had to leave the house for the day and go to the T-NT Expo. So we talked for about 5-10 minutes. Not even close to long enough.
I'm getting that "alone" feeling again. I feel like my chest is hollow, except for this gnawing pain. For some reason, it just feels overwhelming today. Talking to the cats will only get you so far. Getting this out in writing isn''t helping at all like it usually does. And now I need to pull myself together and go back to the Expo for four hours. I don't know if it's possible to be charming and personable with bloodshot eyes, but I guess I'm going to find out. Wish me luck.
I'm getting that "alone" feeling again. I feel like my chest is hollow, except for this gnawing pain. For some reason, it just feels overwhelming today. Talking to the cats will only get you so far. Getting this out in writing isn''t helping at all like it usually does. And now I need to pull myself together and go back to the Expo for four hours. I don't know if it's possible to be charming and personable with bloodshot eyes, but I guess I'm going to find out. Wish me luck.
Monday, March 25, 2013
Escape From the World Day 6
Today was chilly by 'Florida in March' standards. Chilly and windy, but sunny. Today was all about a brief beach walk and a bit of window shopping topped off by a dinner at an amazing steak house (where I ordered shrimp - LOL). Tomorrow we head for home... probably just at the right time.
No matter how fantastical a vacation might be, I think it's a good sign that you are going home right when you are ready to go home. Vacations with family are interesting and don't always end up like you might have wished. Often they may be your only option if, in fact, you actually want to have a vacation. In my case, Bill and I hadn't had one in two and a half years. He was going to Florida with or without me, so .......... I closed my eyes, held my breath and leaped. Family vacations always seem to come with restrictions - restrictions that are not easily tolerated when you don't take vacations on a regular basis. Personality traits that you find so endearing in your spouse might be less so in his other immediate family members. And putting these people together under one roof for more than one day can really produce a big pot of crazy.
Do I feel rested? Yes. Did I enjoy the weather and the beaches? Absolutely. My mother in law is re-upping the condo for next year. It may or may not end up being be her final year down here. And we are already talking about returning next March. I don't know how I feel about that just yet. I am hoping that I've retained the right to not lock myself in before I'm even on the plane home this year, but history tells me that I might not be so lucky.
This is what I know for sure. I can't picture myself ever living in the Southeast unless I'm forced to in order to find employment. Humidity and I just do not get along. I can't picture myself making the annual trek to "________________"(fill in the blank) for vacation at any stage of my life. The world, hell - our country - is a big place. For the love of God, why would I want to return to the same place every stinking year for "vacation"? I'd like to give myself a bit more credit for having some imagination and some spirit of adventure.
In the meantime.... goodbye Florida and Vive La France!!
No matter how fantastical a vacation might be, I think it's a good sign that you are going home right when you are ready to go home. Vacations with family are interesting and don't always end up like you might have wished. Often they may be your only option if, in fact, you actually want to have a vacation. In my case, Bill and I hadn't had one in two and a half years. He was going to Florida with or without me, so .......... I closed my eyes, held my breath and leaped. Family vacations always seem to come with restrictions - restrictions that are not easily tolerated when you don't take vacations on a regular basis. Personality traits that you find so endearing in your spouse might be less so in his other immediate family members. And putting these people together under one roof for more than one day can really produce a big pot of crazy.
Do I feel rested? Yes. Did I enjoy the weather and the beaches? Absolutely. My mother in law is re-upping the condo for next year. It may or may not end up being be her final year down here. And we are already talking about returning next March. I don't know how I feel about that just yet. I am hoping that I've retained the right to not lock myself in before I'm even on the plane home this year, but history tells me that I might not be so lucky.
This is what I know for sure. I can't picture myself ever living in the Southeast unless I'm forced to in order to find employment. Humidity and I just do not get along. I can't picture myself making the annual trek to "________________"(fill in the blank) for vacation at any stage of my life. The world, hell - our country - is a big place. For the love of God, why would I want to return to the same place every stinking year for "vacation"? I'd like to give myself a bit more credit for having some imagination and some spirit of adventure.
In the meantime.... goodbye Florida and Vive La France!!
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Escape From the World Day 5
Today, we visited my brother in Fort Myers. After all these years, I finally saw his condo. Even though I didn't know what to expect, I wasn't surprised by what I saw. Dick and Sally are very theme-based in their decorating. God only knows what they think of my mis-matched house. This condo is all about Florida beach. Distressed white wood, navy, yellow and white painted walls, beachy lighthouse pictures, etc... I would say that it is very well put together yet comfortable - not an easy achievement, and the perfect balance for a vacation home.
Dick took us to Sanibel Island and we took a long walk on the beach before going to lunch, where I stuffed my face with...... what else?.... seafood.... at a kitschy little place called the "Island Cow". After lunch, we went back over to Fort Myers Beach for another beach walk.
We did a lot of talking about dementia, something that all of us were experiencing or had recently experienced. It seems that, even though Mom is in another world, she doesn't talk to Dick about the same things that she talks to me and Bill about. That is fascinating to me. On some subconscious level, she knows enough to match up what she wants to talk about to the people with whom she is talking.
I found out that Dick and Sally's original plan when they bought the condo was for Dick to spend January through March in Florida every year, with Sally spending the entire month of February there working from home. This was supposed to have started happening two years ago, and I had a flash of what it would have been like dealing with my Mom by myself. The plan stalled out when Sally's boss left the company and the replacement put the kibosh on everything. I guess someones bad luck is someone else's gift from God.
As I type this, my face, neck and chest are beet red with sunburn. For me, sunburn has always been a "hurts so good" feeling. Yes, I know I should be more concerned about skin cancer, but I can't help it. I just love the way I look after I've been in the sun for a few hours. Just think of it as a big dose of vitamin D.
Dick took us to Sanibel Island and we took a long walk on the beach before going to lunch, where I stuffed my face with...... what else?.... seafood.... at a kitschy little place called the "Island Cow". After lunch, we went back over to Fort Myers Beach for another beach walk.
We did a lot of talking about dementia, something that all of us were experiencing or had recently experienced. It seems that, even though Mom is in another world, she doesn't talk to Dick about the same things that she talks to me and Bill about. That is fascinating to me. On some subconscious level, she knows enough to match up what she wants to talk about to the people with whom she is talking.
I found out that Dick and Sally's original plan when they bought the condo was for Dick to spend January through March in Florida every year, with Sally spending the entire month of February there working from home. This was supposed to have started happening two years ago, and I had a flash of what it would have been like dealing with my Mom by myself. The plan stalled out when Sally's boss left the company and the replacement put the kibosh on everything. I guess someones bad luck is someone else's gift from God.
As I type this, my face, neck and chest are beet red with sunburn. For me, sunburn has always been a "hurts so good" feeling. Yes, I know I should be more concerned about skin cancer, but I can't help it. I just love the way I look after I've been in the sun for a few hours. Just think of it as a big dose of vitamin D.
Escape From the World Day 4
The ponytail holder is the only thing standing between me and my picture on the cover of National Geographic magazine. There are no words for what this climate has done to my hair. If I pierced both sides of my nose and inserted a bone through it, the picture would be clear. Yesterday, the fog decided to roll in, and we made the mistake of leaving the door to the balcony slightly open for the breeze. We returned from taking my niece to the airport to find everything in our bedroom damp. Carpet, bedspread, all open surface and everything that was laying out in the open. Thank God I take my phone with me everywhere!
Yesterday I get my first pedicure of the year. I've made up my mind that I need to find a salon back home that gives a decent pedicure. I wasn't jazzed with the pedicure from the place that does my nails, so I got one pedicure all summer last year. Not a good idea for my caveman feet.
We walked on the beach very early - 5:30AM. It was a different world. There are these little black birds who run all over the beach in the dark, and they look like mice or something when they run. We could feel the humidity in the air already - LOL - guess we should have known!
Yesterday I get my first pedicure of the year. I've made up my mind that I need to find a salon back home that gives a decent pedicure. I wasn't jazzed with the pedicure from the place that does my nails, so I got one pedicure all summer last year. Not a good idea for my caveman feet.
We walked on the beach very early - 5:30AM. It was a different world. There are these little black birds who run all over the beach in the dark, and they look like mice or something when they run. We could feel the humidity in the air already - LOL - guess we should have known!
Friday, March 22, 2013
Escape From the World Day 3
Sand. White. Clean. Pristine. Dazzling. A stream of consciousness that flows like the ocean as I viewed Clearwater Beach for the first time. Mass transit. The miracle of modern humanity used by tourist destinations to allow visitors to wander freely and cheaply. What do these two independent thoughts have in common? Easy - they are things to which folks from Western New York react as if someone had just invented fire.
Today, Bill and I meandered between Clearwater Beach and St. Petersburg Beach on a bus called the "Suncoast Trolley" with unlimited use for the entire day for a mere $4.50. Remarkable. There was a similar bus in Clearwater named "Jolly Trolley"... or some such name. We stopped in between at John's Pass. A miraculous jumble of shops and restaurants on an inlet. I had a crab cake sandwich for lunch and shrimp primavera for dinner. I wonder if it is possible to eat too much seafood.....
Beaches are just fabulous, and I can't seem to get enough of them. From early morning walks in solitude to watching the joy of children cavorting. The wind that carries the hint of ocean to my nose. The seabirds in all of their shapes and sizes. It is no wonder that beach resorts so often have the word "Paradise" in their names.
And so another day ends, and the beach will await me tomorrow morning, with the waves crashing on the sand, calling to me - sometimes softly, sometimes insistently, always happily. Good night.
Today, Bill and I meandered between Clearwater Beach and St. Petersburg Beach on a bus called the "Suncoast Trolley" with unlimited use for the entire day for a mere $4.50. Remarkable. There was a similar bus in Clearwater named "Jolly Trolley"... or some such name. We stopped in between at John's Pass. A miraculous jumble of shops and restaurants on an inlet. I had a crab cake sandwich for lunch and shrimp primavera for dinner. I wonder if it is possible to eat too much seafood.....
Beaches are just fabulous, and I can't seem to get enough of them. From early morning walks in solitude to watching the joy of children cavorting. The wind that carries the hint of ocean to my nose. The seabirds in all of their shapes and sizes. It is no wonder that beach resorts so often have the word "Paradise" in their names.
And so another day ends, and the beach will await me tomorrow morning, with the waves crashing on the sand, calling to me - sometimes softly, sometimes insistently, always happily. Good night.
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Escape From the World Day 2
Until today, the last time I spent a day at an amusement park was...... I can't remember! Busch Gardens Tampa - part zoo, part amusement park, totally a blast! I feel like I might never eat again, though. Bill found an online deal where purchasing the admission tickets online instead of at the gate got us a free "all you can eat or drink" pass. I wouldn't categorize the food as haute cuisine, but as park food goes, it was better than most.
My crowning achievement of the day was that I rode all five roller coasters with my niece. Our favorite coaster was "Sheikra" , a coaster of the dangling legs variety in which the riders ascend the first hill at a totally vertical angle only to stop abruptly at the top dangling beyond vertical in the descending direction for a second prior to plunging down the first hill. Complete, awesome, adrenaline rush. Our final coaster ride of the day was "Cheetah Hunt", a ride designed to emulate a cheetah chasing its prey. Right out of the gate, the cars accelerate from "zero to cheetah" in about 3 seconds flat, before climbing the first hill. The rest of the ride features a combination of corkscrews, loops, side-to-side dips and more "zero to cheetah" accelerations. Very, very cool.
The animals were fabulous. Lorakeets landing on our heads, an interactive kangaroo exhibit, and a whole new angle on hippos. Just for starters.
I haven't been this tired since I almost fell asleep on the ground on the terrace at the Kennedy Center. Over and out!
My crowning achievement of the day was that I rode all five roller coasters with my niece. Our favorite coaster was "Sheikra" , a coaster of the dangling legs variety in which the riders ascend the first hill at a totally vertical angle only to stop abruptly at the top dangling beyond vertical in the descending direction for a second prior to plunging down the first hill. Complete, awesome, adrenaline rush. Our final coaster ride of the day was "Cheetah Hunt", a ride designed to emulate a cheetah chasing its prey. Right out of the gate, the cars accelerate from "zero to cheetah" in about 3 seconds flat, before climbing the first hill. The rest of the ride features a combination of corkscrews, loops, side-to-side dips and more "zero to cheetah" accelerations. Very, very cool.
The animals were fabulous. Lorakeets landing on our heads, an interactive kangaroo exhibit, and a whole new angle on hippos. Just for starters.
I haven't been this tired since I almost fell asleep on the ground on the terrace at the Kennedy Center. Over and out!
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