Dorothy had it right ...

I saw people sitting at computers talking on phones ..... why I would miss that particular activity is beyond me - but I do. 

I just had the umpteenth argument with my daughter about her overpacking.  Plus, she read a tweet from her ex last night that sent her into a funk.  He seems to be courting another girl at school. 

Europe is beautiful. The architecture in particular is stunning.  I really like the fashion sense of the women on the streets in France.  Understated, fictional, but never sloppy. 

I'm ready to hear American English on the street again, though.   And I'm ready to let my child fly away again for a few weeks.  I don't understand the 30 year olds who still live with the folks.  I'm looking forward to having my house back again.  

I wonder what will happen if I click my heels together three times...

Family Vacations are not for the Faint of Heart

Mix one person who's neurotic about timetables and planning with one person who is not a planner but is a control freak who insists on making the plans, and throw in one 20 year old who thinks that a day begins at 1:00PM.  It's a wonder any of us will survive the weekend. 

London is as I remember it.  Piccadilly Circus strongly resembles Times Square in that there are thousands of people all seemingly trying to walk into one another. 

Words I never thought I'd hear myself say in London: "That was the best cappuccino I've ever had in my life."

London highlight:  Jack The Ripper walking tour, complete with "Rippervision".  Two hours and thirty minutes around London's East End with an animated and entertaining female guide named Harry.  

On to the Chunnel. 

 

Conflict Resolution - Part 2

Sooooooooooooooo..........................................................

How far have I progressed since my last post?  Have I been able to improve my situation or that of those around me?  Not likely.  The facts as I see them, or perhaps more accurately - the facts and the way they make me feel:

 - decisions regarding a major point of conflict in my household are made without my involvement.  Then, they are communicated to me very casually......
Him:  "So, you're ok with me taking Mandy to the concert on Friday night............." in a manner that might suggest a trip to the Galleria Mall rather than an 8 hour round trip drive to a 3-hour concert held within spitting distance of the murder capital of the USA.
Me: "Ahhhh, no, I never said I was ok with any of this, in any iteration."
My daughter was instructed to say nothing to me, because we  both have "short fuses."  So what, I wonder, is more upsetting?  The trip to this concert or the blatant disregard for my wishes and feelings?  I suspect it is the latter, which .... makes me self-absorbed, I suppose.

- trying to control a situation that I can't control, in order to make things happen.  If I'm supposed to be one of the doers or one of the movers and shakers, but someone is throwing constant roadblocks at me, when do I just say "it's too much"?   I can't seem to get any help from anyone with this problem.  I'm continually being told to keep on top of things, but no matter what I do, there are a hundred little things that this person puts in my way.    What will I do when I can't get past him no matter how hard I try, and in the end, I've just failed and let people down?  Sometimes I think that this is what drowning must be like.  You want to breathe, people aren't throwing you a life preserver, they just keep telling you to breathe, but the harder you try to breathe, the more the water fills your lungs.    And then you're dead, but it's your own fault because you didn't try hard enough.  Everyone is disappointed.

Life really is a roller coaster.  I never would have thought it possible to simultaneously love and hate so much about mine at one time.

Conflict Resolution

So many things you can't control
So many hurts that happen everyday
So many heartaches that pierce the soul
So much pain that won't ever go away

How do we make it better?
How do we make it through?
What can we do when there's nothing we can do?

Lyrics from one of my favorite songs.  The thing is, sometimes when you're caught in the middle of something that you have no control over, you just get this overwhelming urge to bolt.  At what point do you just say "enough", it's not worth it anymore".?

I used to think that I'd found what I was looking for.  I'd spent the first 18 years of my adult life doing nothing but working, eating, sleeping and raising my daughter.  The "raising my daughter" part wasn't so bad....  the rest of it was pretty freakin' boring.  I would rather sing than do just about anything else on this earth.  So, finally...  I did.

This..... this I did not sign up for..... or did I?  Well yes, I guess I did.  If I close my eyes and focus really hard, I can see the good things happening.  And there really are a lot of good things happening.  Why is it, then, that angry words and petty differences can so easily overshadow the good things?  And I'm supposed to rise above all of this.

Pressure.  

The punchline to those song lyrics is ........  "We can be kind."  Sounds so easy. But if it were easy, I wouldn't be in this mess now - would I?   Will kindness help me to overcome this feeling that I'm trapped in a never-ending series of derogatory e-mails and back biting?  Oh wait, that's right. I'm doing this because I love to sing.  Singing.  There has got to be an easier way to just sing.

"We can be kind"..."We can be kind"..."We can be kind"..."We can be kind"........  there has got to be an easier way to just sing ....  I read somewhere recently that the true challenge of Christianity is taking part in organized religion and accepting the challenge to be kind to the person sitting next to you in the pew whose actions and thoughts are diametrically opposed to yours.  This can be extrapolated to cover more than just religious organizations.  These days, I'm finding the church challenge to be much simpler.

Why Write?

So, why do I write?  For the longest time, I haven't really known the answer to this question.  It's not as though I could make a living doing this.  Forget fiction.  I couldn't find a good fiction story with two hands and a map.   I can't just sit down every day and write.  I have to have something that drives me to the keyboard.

Some people like to read what I've written.  Sometimes I look back at what I've written, and I think - why?  But here's the thing.  I write when I need to get something out of me and I don't have the words to express myself verbally - or in some cases, when I have nobody to express them to.

I could have used this blog during the aftermath of 9/11.  I was desperately concerned about someone I knew who'd survived and was working at a contingency location in New Jersey.  I felt helpless.  From Buffalo, NY with no cell phone, tied to my job, there wasn't much I could do.  I chose not to eat and to run excessively(excessively for me, anyway).   I sort of floated around in a dream state for over three months.  I forced Bill into taking me to New York to see her. Having her physical presence in front of me was ultimately what put me back on the track to normal.  I can't help but wonder if writing would have gotten me through that in a more healthy way.

So, now I find myself in a similar predicament.  And I am writing.  And this is how I feel.

I wish I could reverse time for you.  I would take you back to when the biggest issue you faced was challenges on the job.   Why is it that we think that the worst things happen to us at work, until we find out the hard way that this isn't so?

I wish I could have five minutes in a room with those who are hurting you so that I could tell them how foolish and selfish and short-sighted they are.   Sometimes, I grit my teeth so hard that it hurts.

I wish I could give you what you need to ease your pain - whatever that might be.

They say that time heals all wounds.  I wish I could guarantee you time - loads and loads of time.

I wish I could calm your mind, because I know that it is anything but.

What I can offer are my eyes, my ears, my heart and my "pen".  These I give to you 100 percent and wholeheartedly.

The Evil Carb

Since approximately the first week of June, I have been on an adventure called "Total Overhaul of my Lifelong Eating Habits".   Based on my track record, the odds of this actually sticking and lasting are at about 15%.  I think I'm being generous with that assessment.   Let's review my diet/exercise history:

Before I begin, remember that my weight since childbirth has ranged from 130 pounds to an all time high of 180.

 - 1998.  My first real diet.  It has no name but consists of a lot of Gogurt and brown rice.  Paired with some breathing routine which proclaims that 10 minutes of violent exhalations are the equivalent of 30 minutes of high impact aerobics, I manage to actually lose 35 pounds.   This lasts approximately 5 months, and my downfall coincides with the new "Mr. Cool" ice cream truck which makes a nightly appearance on our street.

-2001.  I discover running.   By the time 9/11 happens, I am up to 6 miles a week of full-tilt running.  After 9/11, I really plunge into it in an attempt to drive the demons from my brain.  In December 2011, we visited my friend who survived the attack, and I recall her telling me that she needed to hug "what was left of me".  I was down to 140.  A few months later, I suffered what was to be the first of many calf pulls in my left calf.

Between 2002 and 2011, I attempted to become a real runner 3 different times - always ending with my being hobbled at the calf.  From a diet perspective, I tried Atkins, South Beach, the Zone Diet, the Blood Type Diet, Weight Watchers and (briefly) vegetarianism.   In all cases, I was just hungry.  all.   the.  time.    That hunger was the common denominator among all of these diets.  And that hunger, I believe, is why they all failed.

Finally, I have faced my true demons -white flour, white sugar and starches in general.   I read that someone I knew had lost a lot of weight and gotten down to his high school weight on the Ketogenic diet.  This diet embraces "good" fat (nothing manufactured in a test tube) and animal protein.  The makeup is 10% carbs derived from vegetables and fruits,  40% protein, and 50% fats.   Based on various websites,  carbs should be curtailed to 30 - 50 grams daily.  So, I figured - what do I have to lose?

About five days in, I experienced "carb crash".   I was bone tired for almost three days.  Luckily, I did not experience the "South Beach" headache and - unbelievably - was not hungry.  The hunger I did experience was controllable with a few almonds or  cheese curds and was not accompanied by the cold sweats and weakness of past diets.   My carb cravings diminished and the abdominal bloating that I'd been walking around with for most of my life began to go away.

In July, I ventured into running again.  Not full tilt, as in the past, but a gradual build up with run/walk intervals.  So far, so good, and as I type, I have lost 10 pounds.

So what am I still fighting against?  Carb creep - otherwise known as complacency.  So I'm doing great, and eating that hamburger bun won't hurt........right?  I am already dealing with it, particularly on the weekends.  Weekends are so much more unscheduled, and that's when I feel the urge to eat ice cream or sausage buns.    Next weekend, Bill will be gone for 2-3 days, and I am dreading being alone with these cravings.  I must fill the time with something.......

It's hard to believe that I have been taking two different blood pressure pills for years just to keep my BP hovering around 140 over 80.    Eliminating bread, sugar and starches has caused it to drop as low as 111 over 70.   Even when I weighed between 140 -150, I was fighting with my BP.  Who knew?

So, this would all seem to be an incentive, wouldn't it?   An incentive to stay disciplined with my eating plan and my exercise.   History and the odds are not in my favor.  But I feel as though my future depends on it.   One day at a time .....

To My Daughter

My daughter Amanda, interning in Manhattan, had her college boyfriend of a year and a half break up with her this past weekend.  From 600 miles away, Bill and I have been trying to console and advise her.  It's very difficult when they aren't right in front of you.  It has been 36 hours of repeated messages and game plans for her remaining time in New York.  Our latest conversation took place early this morning, and after I heard that she was only slightly more rational now than she was on Saturday night, the sad truth hit me.  And this is the best I can offer to her.  The rest has to come to her, from her.

Dear Mandy,

I wish I could put my arms around you and tell you that everything will be alright, but we both know that this would be a response fit for a child, not a 19-year-old girl trying so hard to be an adult.  I have spent the past three years telling everyone how you are so unlike I was at your age - how you found your passion and went after it with such determination and such maturity, how absolutely fearless you have been.  What I now realize is that when it comes to relationships, you are very much like me, and this is a scary thing to discover.
At the age of 19, I acted as though I were the Sun, and my friends and family were just planets circling around me.  I was oblivious to whatever people may have been thinking about me.  Small wonder that I couldn't even get a date, let alone a boyfriend.  Your father, for whatever miraculous reason, felt like rolling the dice and marrying me.  We both know what his flaws were.  Our marriage was not an easy one, from the start, and it got only slightly better after you were born.   We could have thrown in the towel any number of times, but then we would never have made it to where we are today.   I was too self-centered to try and figure out why he acted the way he did, and he was too busy reacting to me to realize that I was immaturely reacting to him.  Where are we today?  We understand each other's idiosyncrasies, we know where each other's line in the sand is, and when one of us occasionally crosses it, we know to take a step back and not say the first thing that comes into our minds.  We each know where the other is at in terms of our careers and our hobbies.  It took over 20 years of work to get to this point.  We have always loved each other, but now we love and understand each other in a mature way.

Also. there is a finer line between romantic relationships and friend relationships than you realize.  The same behavior that can doom a romantic relationship to failure will also destroy friendships.  As I progressed from high school through college, the gap between me and my friends widened imperceptibly with each passing year.  When I finally cut ties with them two years into my marriage, I rationalized that it was because I had "moved on", but now I know just the opposite to be true.  The sad truth is that they just got tired of putting up with me.  I was, as they call it nowadays, a toxic friendship.  Afterwards, I floundered through what remained of my '20s and my '30s with no real friends.  You say that you have difficulty making friends.  Welcome to most of my adult life.  I was the center of my own universe, taking up most of the space in that universe and leaving very little room for anyone else.

I wish I could give you a magic bullet that would provide instant wisdom and experience.  The saddest part is that you may think you are understanding all of this, but I'm not sure that it is possible for you to actually "get" this message until you are much older.  I don't know if you will be consoled by the fact that I am finally in a place in my life where I am completely happy with most of  my relationships.  As I said, your father and I are happier than we've ever been - because we walk in each other's shoes every single day, and that is the biggest different between a mature relationship and an immature relationship.  Gail, as you know is my very best friend, and why is this different from my friends of years ago?   Friendships are formed because of commonalities, but more than that, real friends understand not only the similarities, but also the differences, and we recognize and sometimes even celebrate those differences.  I know her line in the sand and she knows mine.  Have we crossed those lines occasionally?  Yes, but a mature friendship recognizes it, apologizes for it, and goes to extraordinary efforts to keep it from happening again.

I am happier now than I have ever been in my entire life, and maybe it took 25 years of my adult life to get here, but I can't go backwards to try to change anything.  I can only go forward, and that's what you must do as well.    The lesson here is not about romantic relationships or friend relationships.  It is about human relationships.   Try to step outside yourself to understand what others may be thinking or feeling on any given day.   You have proven in the past that you are capable of amazingly selfless acts of kindness on a broad scale.  Try shrinking those acts down and applying that thinking to your every day life.  As I said, you may be incapable of doing this until you have logged a few more years on this earth.  Sometimes we are doomed to learn the most important lessons the hard way.  Lord knows, I was.  But whatever you do, don't give up and turn into one of those perpetually angry, pessimistic people. You are so much better than that.  Just like I was and still am.  You are, after all, your mother's daughter.

Love,

Mom