It's been a most interesting week. An absurd amount of snow dumped on the area south of Buffalo (and South Buffalo) last week. Almost 7 feet in some towns and villages. That's an entire winter's worth of snow in 72 hours or so. And while the worst of the snow is behind them, there will be high winds and unseasonable warmth tomorrow and Tuesday, which could lead to intense flooding when all of that snow melts in record time just as it fell in record time. We hold our collective breath and wait .
How will this affect our Thanksgiving? For me personally, I am thinking of it as just one piece of the big picture of my daughter's final year of college. So far we have experienced: the final dorm move-in, the final Parents' Weekend and now, as I type this, the final Thanksgiving Break. Here's the thing: I know that wherever she lands after graduation, I can vow to visit her as often as possible, but life has a funny way of getting in the way of vows such as these. I saw this when my brother's kids moved South while he was still working full time. No pun intended, I will give it the "old college try", but I have to be realistic about the frequency of our visits. There will be no more convenient school breaks. It will be the next chapter of our lives, the inevitable progression of life, blah, blah, blah ... So, I ask for pardon and patience as I am tending to approach these school breaks with even more sentiment and more of a sense of importance than usual. I spent a good chunk of last week being unreasonably worried about the people I know who were trapped by this behemoth storm, defending Buffalo's good name on Facebook and focusing with laser attention on the effect that all of this might have on my daughter's flight into town on Friday. I'm afraid that this might sound awfully self-centered to some people, but I am embracing that and accepting it. My daughter will never have another Senior Year in college.
I am thankful this year for the health and well-being of my friends who survived the storm - SNOWVEMBER - as it is now called. I am thankful that we are the people who we are here in Western New York, where a gang of over 200 people armed with shovels called themselves "The Shovel Brigade" and converged on South Buffalo to help dig out the unfortunate citizens still trapped in their homes. This is just one example of the type of citizenry that inhabits these parts.
I am thankful for my family who used my 50th birthday to show me just exactly what I mean to them. I am still overwhelmed when I think about that party. I can only hope to continue to deserve this level of devotion and to be able to demonstrate it in return.
I am thankful for my best friend. Since Thanksgiving last year, some things have happened that have tested our friendship. What I have learned from these experiences is that we have radically different ways of dealing with high-stress and big-anger situations. I must learn to give her space and room to digest her anger by herself, within herself. In return, I hope she understands that my way of dealing with tough situations is to immediately discuss, discuss, discuss until I can visualize a pathway to a solution. This is the only way I can stop my brain from processing the situation over and over and over - interrupting sleep, work etc.. and that if she takes too much time for introspective thought, I just might explode! I am thankful that we were able to flush these things out. While we have so much in common, are connected in so many ways, it is good to have some differences to keep us on our toes.
Mostly, some interesting things have happened since last Thanksgiving that cause me now to be thankful for being the 50-year old me rather than the 25-year old me. I am thankful for the wisdom that comes with age. A gift that can never be taken away!
Sunday, November 23, 2014
Monday, November 10, 2014
Trying to Understand, Trying to Deal
Turmoil is not fun for most people. I need to believe that only the most narcissistic, the most self-centered, the most non-empathetic person cannot be negatively impacted by organizational upheaval. It has to be so.
Three years and four months ago, BCAS went to Washington, DC. I was a singer and I was the Board Secretary. At that time, the future was rosy and all was good with the world. Our Board was comprised of a diverse set of personalities that somehow meshed in spite of our differences. One woman in particular evolved from being a fellow singer and Board member into an occasional dinner partner with our husbands. I liked her intelligence. I liked her affinity for good food, good drink and good entertainment. She was generous beyond comparison. Her husband was quiet and witty, her young daughter was charming.
Now, let me be clear - this woman had her quirks. She was not hurting for money, and she never missed an opportunity to remind all of us, the great unwashed, of that fact. But she was such a philanthropist that it was easy to overlook the braggadocio. She loved to talk, and in particular, she loved to talk about herself. This little quirk could actually drive those in her presence crazy. Yet, once in a while ... when you could get her to listen...., she usually had something valuable, interesting or helpful to offer in return. I don't want to make it sound as though we were joined at the hip or soul mates or anything of that nature. She and her husband were our friends in the way that adult couples cultivate friendships with other couples. Certainly my husband thought so too. It was the sort of casual, no-strings friendship that people are supposed to have lots of. We didn't have lots of them, so maybe we unconsciously placed too much importance on this one.
I'd have to say that things started to change after her second child was born. Her family was squashed into a house that was too small. Then, her employer started having issues. What exactly triggered the changes in her, I'll never know. We had to reorganize something in the chorus over the holidays, and she took it into her head that somehow three of us on the Board had clandestinely planned to pull off the re-org without her knowledge or involvement. This could not be further from the truth, but to her, I was the friend who had betrayed her, and no amount of explanation on my part could make her change her mind.
In the months that followed, her behavior became more erratic and angry - anger that (unless I was imagining things) seemed to be aimed at me. Every week, I would compose my rehearsal notes to email to the chorus, and every week, I would hit the send button and hold my breath. If I accidentally omitted something that she thought should be in the e-mail, I would start receiving a string of texts, usually punctuated with "I'M SCREWED NOW"..... If I was above approach, she'd start sending angry texts about perceived slights perpetrated by others. This was a pattern that continued to the end. If she was angry with anyone else, I would become her verbal punching bag. One time, I had to finally text her back with a terse "I'M DONE. TURNING OFF MY PHONE NOW". Oddly, I heard through the grapevine that she was sorry, but the apology never made it to me. I think her "revenge" on me was finally complete when she verbally attacked me at a concert after-party. This, in turn, caused me to act out in spectacular fashion with others around me. That, for me, was the final straw in the delicate shell of what had once been a pleasant casual friendship.
I developed a fairly effective defense against her behavior. Indifference. It was probably too effective, because that's when she started becoming a problem for the chorus in general and our fellow Board members in particular. Her meltdowns increased in direct proportion to her paranoia that we were secretly meeting and making important chorus plans without her. If we so much as had a 5 minute conversation without her, it was grounds for accusations. Worst of all - her bad behavior became directed at chorus members. Her unpopularity was palpable, and all the time, I kept thinking "where is that person that we used to have dinner with?" It was so hard for me to make the connection between the person I knew and the person who was wreaking havoc in our lives.
In a nutshell, we believe she attempted an ill-planned coup of our Board along with two other equally-disgruntled chorus members. She has now resigned from all chorus duties and taken a leave of absence. We are all relieved - there are no words to adequately describe our relief, as a matter of fact. But I am also sad, Because I know in my heart of hearts that I don't want her to come back, and that even if she begged forgiveness for her behavior, I could never trust her again. And that makes me sad. Maybe it shouldn't, but it does. She never actually perpetrated anything wrong, but she just said such awful things in private and in front of people who did nothing to warrant them. She struck verbally with the force of a viper and left her victims literally breathless. But this was not the person I knew just three short years ago. I don't know where that person is, but wherever she is, I hope she will miss me just a little bit and not hate me or think of me as a betrayer. I can't explain why I care, but I do care. I guess I just don't understand people sometimes.
Three years and four months ago, BCAS went to Washington, DC. I was a singer and I was the Board Secretary. At that time, the future was rosy and all was good with the world. Our Board was comprised of a diverse set of personalities that somehow meshed in spite of our differences. One woman in particular evolved from being a fellow singer and Board member into an occasional dinner partner with our husbands. I liked her intelligence. I liked her affinity for good food, good drink and good entertainment. She was generous beyond comparison. Her husband was quiet and witty, her young daughter was charming.
Now, let me be clear - this woman had her quirks. She was not hurting for money, and she never missed an opportunity to remind all of us, the great unwashed, of that fact. But she was such a philanthropist that it was easy to overlook the braggadocio. She loved to talk, and in particular, she loved to talk about herself. This little quirk could actually drive those in her presence crazy. Yet, once in a while ... when you could get her to listen...., she usually had something valuable, interesting or helpful to offer in return. I don't want to make it sound as though we were joined at the hip or soul mates or anything of that nature. She and her husband were our friends in the way that adult couples cultivate friendships with other couples. Certainly my husband thought so too. It was the sort of casual, no-strings friendship that people are supposed to have lots of. We didn't have lots of them, so maybe we unconsciously placed too much importance on this one.
I'd have to say that things started to change after her second child was born. Her family was squashed into a house that was too small. Then, her employer started having issues. What exactly triggered the changes in her, I'll never know. We had to reorganize something in the chorus over the holidays, and she took it into her head that somehow three of us on the Board had clandestinely planned to pull off the re-org without her knowledge or involvement. This could not be further from the truth, but to her, I was the friend who had betrayed her, and no amount of explanation on my part could make her change her mind.
In the months that followed, her behavior became more erratic and angry - anger that (unless I was imagining things) seemed to be aimed at me. Every week, I would compose my rehearsal notes to email to the chorus, and every week, I would hit the send button and hold my breath. If I accidentally omitted something that she thought should be in the e-mail, I would start receiving a string of texts, usually punctuated with "I'M SCREWED NOW"..... If I was above approach, she'd start sending angry texts about perceived slights perpetrated by others. This was a pattern that continued to the end. If she was angry with anyone else, I would become her verbal punching bag. One time, I had to finally text her back with a terse "I'M DONE. TURNING OFF MY PHONE NOW". Oddly, I heard through the grapevine that she was sorry, but the apology never made it to me. I think her "revenge" on me was finally complete when she verbally attacked me at a concert after-party. This, in turn, caused me to act out in spectacular fashion with others around me. That, for me, was the final straw in the delicate shell of what had once been a pleasant casual friendship.
I developed a fairly effective defense against her behavior. Indifference. It was probably too effective, because that's when she started becoming a problem for the chorus in general and our fellow Board members in particular. Her meltdowns increased in direct proportion to her paranoia that we were secretly meeting and making important chorus plans without her. If we so much as had a 5 minute conversation without her, it was grounds for accusations. Worst of all - her bad behavior became directed at chorus members. Her unpopularity was palpable, and all the time, I kept thinking "where is that person that we used to have dinner with?" It was so hard for me to make the connection between the person I knew and the person who was wreaking havoc in our lives.
In a nutshell, we believe she attempted an ill-planned coup of our Board along with two other equally-disgruntled chorus members. She has now resigned from all chorus duties and taken a leave of absence. We are all relieved - there are no words to adequately describe our relief, as a matter of fact. But I am also sad, Because I know in my heart of hearts that I don't want her to come back, and that even if she begged forgiveness for her behavior, I could never trust her again. And that makes me sad. Maybe it shouldn't, but it does. She never actually perpetrated anything wrong, but she just said such awful things in private and in front of people who did nothing to warrant them. She struck verbally with the force of a viper and left her victims literally breathless. But this was not the person I knew just three short years ago. I don't know where that person is, but wherever she is, I hope she will miss me just a little bit and not hate me or think of me as a betrayer. I can't explain why I care, but I do care. I guess I just don't understand people sometimes.
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
An Absolutely Selfish Post
Warning: this is going to be possibly the most selfish, self-centered post you've ever read. If you are at all offended by selfish behavior, you may wish to back away now. I am writing this because I need to get it out, and I think that this is what blogs are good for. Proceed with caution...
I am now 50 years old. If I thought that I was going to wake up on my birthday suddenly possessing good judgement and sage advise, I could not have been more wrong. I am tired. Tired of trying to meet other people's expectations, tired of apologizing when I don't. All I can really do is to apologize. So here's an apology to the people who I've wronged in the past and some who I seem to continually wrong on a regular basis:
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I wasn't more self-motivated as a child so that I could have learned to play an instrument well and given my father something to be proud of about me before he died.
I'm sorry that my career is not a raging success and that I am a terrible housekeeper and could not give my mother something to be proud of about me before she died. I'm sorry that she felt that she had to turn to my sister-in-law as the daughter she wished she'd had.
I'm sorry that I didn't make more of an effort to stay in touch with and visit my family in North Carolina in the years before the death of my nephew. I'm sorry that I tried to make amends and probably just ended up looking pathetic.
I'm sorry I was such an insensitive bitch as a young adult. For sure, I have reaped what I've sowed.
I'm sorry that I am married to a man who is compelled to display his love for me every few years with grand gestures, but that I know that he is making himself feel better about the fact that I am his on-demand verbal punching bag the other 364 days of the year. I'm sorry that each dollar that he spends on these grand gestures represents a "F-You", or a "Go to Hell" or a "F-ing C-nt". I'm sorry that I probably deserve this treatment because I am such a bad housekeeper and breadwinner and that I should be thanking God for a man who would do these wonderful things for me periodically. I'm sorry that I don't have the guts to leave him because I know that practically nobody would sympathize or understand. Except for my daughter who resents that I didn't leave him years ago.
I'm sorry that when my daughter has traumatic events happening in her life, that I try so hard to talk her through them in a way that is both loving and helpful, but that the pattern now seems to be that I end up failing and my mother-in-law rides in on her white horse and makes it all better.
I'm sorry that I have never taken psychology classes and that I have this unending need to find honorable intentions in everyone, even the people who seem to be the most dishonorable. I'm sorry that I don't believe that any bad situation will be solved by automatically assuming dishonorable intentions. I'm sorry that this clouds my judgement and causes me to betray the honorable people in my life. I can't help but feel that I will someday pay a huge price for this, but I don't know how to change myself. If hindsight is 20/20, then I should have bionic eyes.
I'm sorry that even when I am trying to be at the top of my game at all times, I will predictably let down my guard and screw up and fail to meet expectations and let people down. This is really nothing new for me, but it seems worse to me now because I go through periods when I really do feel older and wiser - but it turns out to be an illusion. I am never going to be older and wiser. I am always going to be the person who fails to live up to expectations. It is my life and it's who I am. The sooner I accept this about myself, the sooner I will stop expecting that I will ever play an important role in anything significant. The sooner I can accept that I need to question and second guess everything I do before I do it, the sooner I can decrease the disappointment that I am causing for others.
I can't tell if this really is the most incredibly selfish post or if it is just me trying to come to terms with who I really am and what I am capable of and what is beyond my capabilities. Maybe I will be happier if I stop trying to be something I'm not. What I know for sure is that I am tired of constantly being a disappointment. I never thought of myself as being someone who is scared of her own shadow. Maybe that's who I really am and maybe that's how I need to proceed from now on.
If you've read this despite the warning message, I am sorry if you are now completely turned off. I tried to stop you, but, like most everything else I've tried to say or do, I've failed. Don't feel bad. You're in pretty good company.
I am now 50 years old. If I thought that I was going to wake up on my birthday suddenly possessing good judgement and sage advise, I could not have been more wrong. I am tired. Tired of trying to meet other people's expectations, tired of apologizing when I don't. All I can really do is to apologize. So here's an apology to the people who I've wronged in the past and some who I seem to continually wrong on a regular basis:
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I wasn't more self-motivated as a child so that I could have learned to play an instrument well and given my father something to be proud of about me before he died.
I'm sorry that my career is not a raging success and that I am a terrible housekeeper and could not give my mother something to be proud of about me before she died. I'm sorry that she felt that she had to turn to my sister-in-law as the daughter she wished she'd had.
I'm sorry that I didn't make more of an effort to stay in touch with and visit my family in North Carolina in the years before the death of my nephew. I'm sorry that I tried to make amends and probably just ended up looking pathetic.
I'm sorry I was such an insensitive bitch as a young adult. For sure, I have reaped what I've sowed.
I'm sorry that I am married to a man who is compelled to display his love for me every few years with grand gestures, but that I know that he is making himself feel better about the fact that I am his on-demand verbal punching bag the other 364 days of the year. I'm sorry that each dollar that he spends on these grand gestures represents a "F-You", or a "Go to Hell" or a "F-ing C-nt". I'm sorry that I probably deserve this treatment because I am such a bad housekeeper and breadwinner and that I should be thanking God for a man who would do these wonderful things for me periodically. I'm sorry that I don't have the guts to leave him because I know that practically nobody would sympathize or understand. Except for my daughter who resents that I didn't leave him years ago.
I'm sorry that when my daughter has traumatic events happening in her life, that I try so hard to talk her through them in a way that is both loving and helpful, but that the pattern now seems to be that I end up failing and my mother-in-law rides in on her white horse and makes it all better.
I'm sorry that I have never taken psychology classes and that I have this unending need to find honorable intentions in everyone, even the people who seem to be the most dishonorable. I'm sorry that I don't believe that any bad situation will be solved by automatically assuming dishonorable intentions. I'm sorry that this clouds my judgement and causes me to betray the honorable people in my life. I can't help but feel that I will someday pay a huge price for this, but I don't know how to change myself. If hindsight is 20/20, then I should have bionic eyes.
I'm sorry that even when I am trying to be at the top of my game at all times, I will predictably let down my guard and screw up and fail to meet expectations and let people down. This is really nothing new for me, but it seems worse to me now because I go through periods when I really do feel older and wiser - but it turns out to be an illusion. I am never going to be older and wiser. I am always going to be the person who fails to live up to expectations. It is my life and it's who I am. The sooner I accept this about myself, the sooner I will stop expecting that I will ever play an important role in anything significant. The sooner I can accept that I need to question and second guess everything I do before I do it, the sooner I can decrease the disappointment that I am causing for others.
I can't tell if this really is the most incredibly selfish post or if it is just me trying to come to terms with who I really am and what I am capable of and what is beyond my capabilities. Maybe I will be happier if I stop trying to be something I'm not. What I know for sure is that I am tired of constantly being a disappointment. I never thought of myself as being someone who is scared of her own shadow. Maybe that's who I really am and maybe that's how I need to proceed from now on.
If you've read this despite the warning message, I am sorry if you are now completely turned off. I tried to stop you, but, like most everything else I've tried to say or do, I've failed. Don't feel bad. You're in pretty good company.
Saturday, August 2, 2014
Heaviness
I am writing another blog entry this week in an attempt to lighten myself. I feel heavy - in both the physical and mental sense. I feel as though this blog is like cardio for the emotions. That's what it's been for me in the past. I really need it to be so now.
I feel physically tired, mainly because of my weight. I am not going to write any more about my weight right now. I am fat, period. Everywhere I go, when I meet people for the first time, I feel their thoughts. "Fat woman. Pleasant. Nice hair. Fat."
I feel mentally tired. I am trying to prepare myself for the challenges that may lie ahead at work. The time for my manager to retire may be upon us faster than anyone planned. This could mean big changes and big challenges for a few of us. I don't know if I'm ready.
I feel emotionally tired. Hormones raging, and my bodily organs and functions are unpredictable. They betray me in various degrees on an almost daily basis.
The sadness grows exponentially by the week. I simply don't know if I can work with these people. I love to sing more than almost any other activity on earth, but these people have drained me of the desire to open my mouth. Worse, they have made me afraid - something that I have never been before on this Board. The idea of replying to what appears to be an innocuous e-mail request fills me with dread. What am I afraid of..... I am afraid of misinterpreted words. Not misinterpretation by those who I don't care about. Why would I be afraid of that? On the contrary, I almost expect it. No, I fear misinterpretation by those who I care for more than I care for my self. Because...... I am not the only person who bears emotional scars. I can stand almost anything that may come of this disastrous grouping, except for one thing. I could not bear the loss of my friend. I don't know exactly why I fear this, but I do and it is an irrational fear that I can't shake. If I "speak" in an e-mail, I may say the wrong thing. If I don't speak, I risk being unsupportive. Either way, I lose.
Ok, so there it is . And I don't feel any lighter. What to do. What to do.
I feel physically tired, mainly because of my weight. I am not going to write any more about my weight right now. I am fat, period. Everywhere I go, when I meet people for the first time, I feel their thoughts. "Fat woman. Pleasant. Nice hair. Fat."
I feel mentally tired. I am trying to prepare myself for the challenges that may lie ahead at work. The time for my manager to retire may be upon us faster than anyone planned. This could mean big changes and big challenges for a few of us. I don't know if I'm ready.
I feel emotionally tired. Hormones raging, and my bodily organs and functions are unpredictable. They betray me in various degrees on an almost daily basis.
The sadness grows exponentially by the week. I simply don't know if I can work with these people. I love to sing more than almost any other activity on earth, but these people have drained me of the desire to open my mouth. Worse, they have made me afraid - something that I have never been before on this Board. The idea of replying to what appears to be an innocuous e-mail request fills me with dread. What am I afraid of..... I am afraid of misinterpreted words. Not misinterpretation by those who I don't care about. Why would I be afraid of that? On the contrary, I almost expect it. No, I fear misinterpretation by those who I care for more than I care for my self. Because...... I am not the only person who bears emotional scars. I can stand almost anything that may come of this disastrous grouping, except for one thing. I could not bear the loss of my friend. I don't know exactly why I fear this, but I do and it is an irrational fear that I can't shake. If I "speak" in an e-mail, I may say the wrong thing. If I don't speak, I risk being unsupportive. Either way, I lose.
Ok, so there it is . And I don't feel any lighter. What to do. What to do.
Thursday, July 31, 2014
Is E-Mail Evil?
My heart feels so heavy tonight. I think that I'm a product of a bygone era. While I am a huge user of social media, I have tried very hard to use it for useful purposes or for just plain fun. I have not always been successful, but I have tried. I do not post anything related to my job or any issues that I may be having with friends or family.
Then there is e-mail. E-mail can be our best friend or our biggest enemy. It makes our lives infinitely more productive because it allows us to reach as many people as we need to about a whole list of topics all in one fell swoop. However .......
Unless your name is Ann Landers, Abigail Van Buren or Mother Teresa, you may occasionally word something poorly. Or hastily. Without adequate thought, or adequate care and consideration. Imagine that this happens when you are addressing a whole boatload of people. How many of us have had an occasion to admit that "perhaps I could have worded that differently..." It does not take a super special idiot or evil person to word something poorly in an e-mail with a large distribution list.
And then there are the e-mails that never should have been sent in the first place. It would seem that the art of calling someone on the phone is lost on the majority of the population. You know, the thing is ..... most of us have a cell phone. And in case you haven't noticed, lots of people screen their calls on their cell phones. So, if you're really THAT nervous about calling someone about something, chances are pretty good that you'll be able to leave a message - preferably a coherent, thought-out message - which will give the recipient the chance to think about the topic before he or she returns the call.
If I thought anyone would take me seriously for a second on this topic, I would propose the following "Rules of Mass E-Mail Etiquette in the 21st Century":
(1) Topics that have the potential to be controversial or sensitive should not, repeat NOT, be discussed in e-mails. Please discuss these in a group meeting, I beg of you. For the love of God.
(2) If you are beginning your message with "I have left John Doe off this distribution list because ....", or " Please do not repeat this to Jane Smith, because .....", you should probably rethink the purpose of the e-mail. See #1, above.
(3) Don't write the next epic novel. I've been guilty of this too many times myself. Nobody wants or has time to read it. Try to pare it down or turn it into bullet points. Save the prose for your blog, or,,,, go ahead and really write the next epic novel.
(4) If you really need something urgently, don't send an e-mail and sit stewing while the minutes tick away without a response. People are not glued to their e-mail. Pick up the phone and call - see paragraph 4 above.
(5) On the flip side - if you are a group that relies on e-mail a lot, set some rules for responding to e-mails in a reasonably timely manner.
Since nobody will take these rules with anything but a grain of salt, I think we have two choices to ensure that e-mails do not bring down civilization as we know it:
(A) Use simple sentence structure and words containing no more than two syllables. Bullet points whenever possible. This leaves the least room for misinterpretation. If the e-mail can't be composed in this manner, then it probably should not be composed at all.
(B) If you receive an e-mail that does not meet the criteria as described in (A), read it at least three times. Then read it out loud. If you find it offensive, DO NOT REPLY. Give yourself 2 hours and read it again out loud. If it still feels offensive to you, DO NOT REPLY. This means do not reply, do not reply to some, do not reply to all. DO NOT REPLY. Call the sender on the phone or meet the sender for coffee. For the love of God, engage in real communication. It will feel awkward at first, because you are so out of practice, but never fear.... it's like riding a bike!
Our grandparents are rolling over in their graves.
Then there is e-mail. E-mail can be our best friend or our biggest enemy. It makes our lives infinitely more productive because it allows us to reach as many people as we need to about a whole list of topics all in one fell swoop. However .......
Unless your name is Ann Landers, Abigail Van Buren or Mother Teresa, you may occasionally word something poorly. Or hastily. Without adequate thought, or adequate care and consideration. Imagine that this happens when you are addressing a whole boatload of people. How many of us have had an occasion to admit that "perhaps I could have worded that differently..." It does not take a super special idiot or evil person to word something poorly in an e-mail with a large distribution list.
And then there are the e-mails that never should have been sent in the first place. It would seem that the art of calling someone on the phone is lost on the majority of the population. You know, the thing is ..... most of us have a cell phone. And in case you haven't noticed, lots of people screen their calls on their cell phones. So, if you're really THAT nervous about calling someone about something, chances are pretty good that you'll be able to leave a message - preferably a coherent, thought-out message - which will give the recipient the chance to think about the topic before he or she returns the call.
If I thought anyone would take me seriously for a second on this topic, I would propose the following "Rules of Mass E-Mail Etiquette in the 21st Century":
(1) Topics that have the potential to be controversial or sensitive should not, repeat NOT, be discussed in e-mails. Please discuss these in a group meeting, I beg of you. For the love of God.
(2) If you are beginning your message with "I have left John Doe off this distribution list because ....", or " Please do not repeat this to Jane Smith, because .....", you should probably rethink the purpose of the e-mail. See #1, above.
(3) Don't write the next epic novel. I've been guilty of this too many times myself. Nobody wants or has time to read it. Try to pare it down or turn it into bullet points. Save the prose for your blog, or,,,, go ahead and really write the next epic novel.
(4) If you really need something urgently, don't send an e-mail and sit stewing while the minutes tick away without a response. People are not glued to their e-mail. Pick up the phone and call - see paragraph 4 above.
(5) On the flip side - if you are a group that relies on e-mail a lot, set some rules for responding to e-mails in a reasonably timely manner.
Since nobody will take these rules with anything but a grain of salt, I think we have two choices to ensure that e-mails do not bring down civilization as we know it:
(A) Use simple sentence structure and words containing no more than two syllables. Bullet points whenever possible. This leaves the least room for misinterpretation. If the e-mail can't be composed in this manner, then it probably should not be composed at all.
(B) If you receive an e-mail that does not meet the criteria as described in (A), read it at least three times. Then read it out loud. If you find it offensive, DO NOT REPLY. Give yourself 2 hours and read it again out loud. If it still feels offensive to you, DO NOT REPLY. This means do not reply, do not reply to some, do not reply to all. DO NOT REPLY. Call the sender on the phone or meet the sender for coffee. For the love of God, engage in real communication. It will feel awkward at first, because you are so out of practice, but never fear.... it's like riding a bike!
Our grandparents are rolling over in their graves.
Monday, July 28, 2014
Is This What Crazy Feels Like?
So much is written about the mental health crisis in our country these days. Everyone who commits a violent crime is someone who has mental issues, and then the second guessing starts. Family and friends of the perp make statements about the person being "not right" or "showing signs of having problems" and people think that if only these people would have said or done something...
The thing is, when do people recognize their own issues? How does a person know when they've crossed the line from stressed out or disturbed to psychosis? Or maybe this is how people go nuts and shoot people up. Probably they started out perfectly normal. Maybe things started happening in their environment that stressed them out. A lot. And maybe they were predisposed to psychosis and didn't even realize it. So, something is going on all the time that is stressing them out, and sooner or later the symptoms start. Erratic behavior. Altered perceptions of reality. Emotional instability. And then, one day - wham! The person just goes off the deep end. And nobody saw it coming because it just crept up on everyone - including the crazy person.
So, the question is this: when things start happening to cause someone to believe that he or she is "losing it", what comes next? People often say "I'M LOSING IT" when they are confronted with a difficult or confusing situation. But when is it really time to say "enough"? How does someone recognize that she is on the edge of sanity? Is it when your memory of events becomes a tangle of confusion in your head, or is it when you remember something with absolute clarity only to find out that you are not remembering correctly at all? Or maybe it's when that crystal clear memory is surrounded on either side by tangles of confusion.
The biggest question of all: Is sanity or the lack thereof proven by the questions being asked?
The thing is, when do people recognize their own issues? How does a person know when they've crossed the line from stressed out or disturbed to psychosis? Or maybe this is how people go nuts and shoot people up. Probably they started out perfectly normal. Maybe things started happening in their environment that stressed them out. A lot. And maybe they were predisposed to psychosis and didn't even realize it. So, something is going on all the time that is stressing them out, and sooner or later the symptoms start. Erratic behavior. Altered perceptions of reality. Emotional instability. And then, one day - wham! The person just goes off the deep end. And nobody saw it coming because it just crept up on everyone - including the crazy person.
So, the question is this: when things start happening to cause someone to believe that he or she is "losing it", what comes next? People often say "I'M LOSING IT" when they are confronted with a difficult or confusing situation. But when is it really time to say "enough"? How does someone recognize that she is on the edge of sanity? Is it when your memory of events becomes a tangle of confusion in your head, or is it when you remember something with absolute clarity only to find out that you are not remembering correctly at all? Or maybe it's when that crystal clear memory is surrounded on either side by tangles of confusion.
The biggest question of all: Is sanity or the lack thereof proven by the questions being asked?
Saturday, July 26, 2014
A New Twist on an Old Prayer
I am on the Board of Directors of the chorus for which I also sing. While I feel that I still have many quality singing years ahead of me, I can't help but feel that my best years as a member of this Board are behind me. My passion for it is gone, and it makes me sad, because we have great things planned for the next two seasons. But, I am committed to these two seasons because I do believe in the ability of our Chorus to achieve great things and I still want to be a part of making that happen. I want to believe that there is someone ready to replace me who will have the same level of commitment and passion that I brought to the table over the past 12 years. The trouble is that there are members of this Board, new and returning, who seem to have personal agendas. I wonder what would happen if these people were left to their own devices on this Board? Would their agendas ultimately benefit this Chorus? Am I so arrogant that I believe that my way (our way) is the only way or the ultimate way? My gut is telling me that people who are self-serving will not ever serve in the best interests of the Chorus. My gut is telling me that when the "up and coming" people disrespect experienced veterans (as they have already done), that these people will always put their own needs ahead of the 100 or so people who elected them. But ...... my gut has been wrong. Frequently. And I know that I will be stepping down in two years, and when I do, I have to find a way to accept my successor.
We are all meeting for our first Board meeting of the season tomorrow. There have been major issues already - before we've even had a chance to meet. I suppose it's preferable to have your opponent fire a warning shot instead of just ambushing you. Except that these people are NOT supposed to be our opponents. My plan for meeting prep? Well, I thought about the Serenity Prayer this morning. I don't see any way that I will be able to remain serene during this meeting. Instead, I think I'll concentrate on remaining wise.
We are all meeting for our first Board meeting of the season tomorrow. There have been major issues already - before we've even had a chance to meet. I suppose it's preferable to have your opponent fire a warning shot instead of just ambushing you. Except that these people are NOT supposed to be our opponents. My plan for meeting prep? Well, I thought about the Serenity Prayer this morning. I don't see any way that I will be able to remain serene during this meeting. Instead, I think I'll concentrate on remaining wise.
God, grant me the wisdom to enter into this encounter with an open mind.
Help me to know when to speak and when to keep my big mouth shut.
Grant me the discipline to allow all of my experiences - both good and bad - with these people to color my actions.
God, help me to use my intuition to be able to support my allies without being overtly partisan.
Give me the strength to take the high road and be the bigger person when necessary.
Above all, help me to remember why I am doing this, why I agreed to do this 12 years ago, and who I am really working for.
Amen
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