Monday, January 9, 2012

heavy sadness

I sit alone in my living room with a heart so heavy that is feels like it is in my feet.  Tears lurk precariously waiting to follow their predecessors.  Having been half of a Pre Cana sponsor couple at my church, I had heard every piece of marriage advice, every catch phrase there is.  "Communication is key".  "Fight Fair".  "Don't hurl accusations, instead tell your spouse how his/her actions make you feel.", and on,and on, and on.  In the Catholic Church, divorce is only an option when a spouse refuses to have children or commits adultery, and in the spirit of the 20th century, it is acceptable in cases of drug, alcohol or physical abuse.  Even so, they will always push for annulment, not "divorce."  We tell engaged couples how hard marriage can be, but how equally rewarding it is.  "The rewards are directly proportional to the effort you make.", blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.......................

Why don't they tell us what to do when someone hurls names at the other so easily that it seems like he practices it in the mirror when nobody's around?  What to do when you never know who you're really married to, because sometimes he's funny and reasonable and generous and, literally hours later, he becomes defensive, insulting, demeaning.  When you can't even apologize to him, because no matter how carefully you word it, he will pick it apart or shrug his shoulders dismissively.

I think that the most hurtful part is the total lack of caring.  It doesn't matter how much thought I put into anything I say when he's like this.  His answer, about 80% of the time is the same - "whatever."  Shouldn't we both try to act better, more thoughtfully, less reactively?  Even as I write this, I'm pretty sure he doesn't give a damn that he left me like this.  If he saw me writing this or even went so far as to read it, he would probably be angry.  He doesn't understand my need to write.  I think it angers him, but I don't know why.  He's made it pretty clear that he doesn't care enough to try to understand.

I just want to know - when is it too much to bear?  How many tears and heavy hearts do I have to feel?  What do I have to do to become immune, like he is?  Is it even possible?

1 comment:

  1. I was divorced over twenty years ago. Our re. Blationship was horrendous. We slaughtered each other verbally and abandoned each other mentally. But I wanted to work to heal our marriage. She SAID she did but did not.

    Being Catholic, I remain faithful to our vow.

    My heart breaks still. I cry still.

    The best answer is faithfulness. But how that is done, apart or together is the hard part. She has never looked back. I will never recover fully.

    Life is that way sometimes. Sorry I was not much of a help. I just cannot forget the woman I married and had our children with. I love her.