Monday, August 29, 2016

Life in the Other World

"Hi there!  How was your day, today?"

"Well, Mom, you won't believe this, but __________."
<conversation continues....>

"Maybe we can all see the new _____ movie this weekend?"
"Sure!   Talk to you tomorrow."
"Ok.  Bye!  Love you"
"Love you too"

That's how I see my life in that world where my daughter lives in Western New York.   Unfortunately, my real world does not resemble this in any way, shape or form.   Instead, we see each other sporadically for concentrated periods of time during which we attempt to cram weeks or months of conversation into 2 days.  What happens next is that uncomfortable phenomenon that happens at the end of vacations where nobody can think of one more blessed thing to say to one another, but we feel like we have to keep talking while we have the chance.

This is not to be confused with the silence that happens when you see each other all the time and are just comfortable enough with each other that words aren't really necessary.   This is the "I really need to get away from here because my brain hurts from trying to think of something to say" situation.


I miss the everyday stuff.     Occasional dinners or brunches instead of gorging ourselves for 2 days straight.  Picking things up for each other at the store.  Pet-sitting.  Shopping.

Well, this may be the world's shortest blog post, but it's really all I have to say about this right now.  Everyone needs a dream, right?

Tuesday, August 16, 2016

Throwing in the Towel

Well, readers....

You're read my ramblings and aborted attempts to help myself. You've read about my relationships, all few of them. People who mean the world to me, but somehow I keep messing up with them whether I try hard or just try to go with the flow. 

I've tried yoga
I've tried meditation 
I've tried extreme exercise and dieting. 
I've tried blogging-obviously.
I've tried the old "do what makes me happy and don't worry about anyone else" routine. 
I've tried turning myself inside out in an attempt to make people want me (or want me more than they already do). 
I've tried to get myself involved more in activities hoping that something magical would happen. That I'd suddenly become an "It Girl". 

I'm tired. And I just feel like a big ball of resentment and anger. This is a dangerous combination.  It makes me say and do stupid things.

Is there really such a thing as unconditional love and support between anyone other than parents and children?  It doesn't feel like it right now.  Is there anyone out there who has enough faith in me to  just say "you're in your stupid place right now, aren't you?" instead of reacting with anger when I'm in my stupid place?  Is it fair to even expect anyone to be able to do that?

Maybe I don't deserve such a person. 

I need professional help.  It has taken me years of flailing around trying to cure  myself to say that.  I've unfairly leaned on other people who I claim to love for too long because I didn't want to admit the truth 

I need a shrink. 

I want to cry but I can't because I'm at work.   Put up the facade and soldier on. But very soon, I need to get help, before I really end up as alone as I feel. God help me. 

Wednesday, August 3, 2016

Halfway Down a Black Hole, or Halfway to the Top?

It seems like ever since I decided that I was a co-dependent, my existence has been a series of epiphanies strung together by my determination to get through each day in a positive way.  The latest one came last month.  

I think I've written about the struggle in my adult life to find nauseum.  I don't think I have high standards.  A few people who might actually want to include me in their group activities would fit the bill just fine.  Maybe a person or two who have some free time that they're looking to fill....  I guess it would be nice if I even shared their basic philosophies of life, but lets not get carried away.  

The fact is, I can't force anyone to want me.   Wow, I just typed that and read it, and it looks really pathetic.  But really, sometimes I feel like one of those older cats or dogs in the cages at the SPCA with the caption above them that reads  "Please give me a forever home.  I might be older but I still have a lot of love to give."   I can't do anything about other peoples' lives, only my own.  Yes, it boils down to this -  the act of not only desiring my company but having time for it can't be forced, and throwing myself into things and being rejected only makes me feel worse.

So, I decided last month that I would just "be".   I decided that I needed to put it into God's hands.   I needed to have hope that God has something in store for me down the road that will fill this hole.  I decided that I needed to involve myself in things that would get me out of the house, but without unrealistic expectations.  "Do it to live in the moment - nothing more, nothing less".   And as for the people I am close to.......   I can't expect more from them than they are willing and able to give.  In my last blog, I mentioned the human relationship food pyramid. It leads to the dinner plate and how much of it should be protein, veggies, etc...   What an interesting intersection with the "plate" as people refer to it as a symbol of their lives.   So, it stands to reason that where I place people on my "plate" usually will not match the position that I  hold on their "plates".   I won't lie - it would be wonderful to be at the center of someone's plate.  Maybe I was at one time.  In the here and now, it doesn't feel like I am.  Mostly, I feel like a side item that's out there in its own dish because it doesn't fit on the plate.   So... word to the wise - if you're the center of someone's universe, don't take it for granted!

I've been mostly ok with this for the past month or so.  I just try to live one day at a time and pull the positives out of whatever happens to be going on at the moment - whether I'm alone or not.  There are days like today where my resolve breaks down and I wonder what the point of my existence is.  I mean, really, what is the point?  What am I here for?   These are the difficult days.   These are the days when I have to power through, take deep breaths and tell myself over and over that God has a plan for me and for how my life will evolve.  I just have to have patience and let it happen.

One thing that seems to crop up almost every day is people lamenting about how summer "flies by," blah blah blah ........ Erie County Fair.......blah blah blah ........back to school.... blah blah blah.    For me, it moves at the speed of wet cement.   In a weird sort of way .... since summer is supposed to be so wonderful ..........  I guess that makes me lucky.