How far have I progressed since my last post? Have I been able to improve my situation or that of those around me? Not likely. The facts as I see them, or perhaps more accurately - the facts and the way they make me feel:
- decisions regarding a major point of conflict in my household are made without my involvement. Then, they are communicated to me very casually......
Him: "So, you're ok with me taking Mandy to the concert on Friday night............." in a manner that might suggest a trip to the Galleria Mall rather than an 8 hour round trip drive to a 3-hour concert held within spitting distance of the murder capital of the USA.
Me: "Ahhhh, no, I never said I was ok with any of this, in any iteration."
My daughter was instructed to say nothing to me, because we both have "short fuses." So what, I wonder, is more upsetting? The trip to this concert or the blatant disregard for my wishes and feelings? I suspect it is the latter, which .... makes me self-absorbed, I suppose.
- trying to control a situation that I can't control, in order to make things happen. If I'm supposed to be one of the doers or one of the movers and shakers, but someone is throwing constant roadblocks at me, when do I just say "it's too much"? I can't seem to get any help from anyone with this problem. I'm continually being told to keep on top of things, but no matter what I do, there are a hundred little things that this person puts in my way. What will I do when I can't get past him no matter how hard I try, and in the end, I've just failed and let people down? Sometimes I think that this is what drowning must be like. You want to breathe, people aren't throwing you a life preserver, they just keep telling you to breathe, but the harder you try to breathe, the more the water fills your lungs. And then you're dead, but it's your own fault because you didn't try hard enough. Everyone is disappointed.
Life really is a roller coaster. I never would have thought it possible to simultaneously love and hate so much about mine at one time.