Monday, January 20, 2014

Say Something

I am tired.  Tired all of the time.   I've been blaming it on poor sleep.  I now feel that a lot of it is psychological tiredness.  

Tired of death.
Tired of being alone.
Tired of losing traditions against my will.
Tired of being ignored
Tired of regrets

I sit, alone, on a day that in the past would have been looked forward to in anticipation of shared time with loved ones.   In today's world, I am resigned to filling the day with "tasks".   

Yes, yes, yes, I'm supposed to be creating new traditions and counting my blessings .....  and yes, I know that I have a lot to be thankful for.   All of these blessings are like flowers gathered in a basket, but there are large rocks on top of the flowers, crushing them.  How to lift the rocks and throw them away...

I don't know the answer.  With no children in my house anymore, it should be clean enough to eat off the floor.    But..... I'm tired,  and I sit.....  and five days a week, I go to work and sit at a desk.    When I look back at the last ten years of my mother's life, I don't even know how she stood it alone in a house.    The more I reflect on her, the more similarities I see between she and I ......... but sitting alone in a house....... not one of them!  

OK... time to get moving.  Move or die ..... who said that?  Probably the President's Council on Physical Fitness.   I wonder what President Kennedy would think about video games.......

There's this song that's on the radio a lot these days that I identify with.  I have no idea why, because I think it's supposed to be about a failed relationship and youth ........   Here I am, almost 50 years old, and I'm still trying to get it right, wondering if I ever will.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
I'll be the one, if you want me to.
Anywhere I would've followed you.
Say something, I'm giving up on you.

And I am feeling so small.
It was over my head
I know nothing at all.

And I will stumble and fall.
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl.

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