Heaviness

I am writing another blog entry this week in an attempt to lighten myself.    I feel heavy - in both the physical and mental sense.   I feel as though this blog is like cardio for the emotions.  That's what it's been for me in the past.  I really need it to be so now.

I feel physically tired, mainly because of my weight.  I am not going to write any more about my weight right now.  I am fat, period.  Everywhere I go, when I meet people for the first time, I feel their thoughts.  "Fat woman.   Pleasant.  Nice hair.  Fat."

I feel mentally tired.  I am trying to prepare myself for the challenges that may lie ahead at work.  The time for my manager to retire may be upon us faster than anyone planned.  This could mean big changes and big challenges for a few of us.  I don't know if I'm ready.

I feel emotionally tired.  Hormones raging, and my bodily organs and functions are unpredictable.  They betray me in various degrees on an almost daily basis.

The sadness grows exponentially by the week.  I simply don't know if I can work with these people.   I love to sing more than almost any other activity on earth, but these people have drained me of the desire to open my mouth.  Worse, they have made me afraid - something that I have never been before on this Board.   The idea of replying to what appears to be an innocuous e-mail request fills me with dread.    What am I afraid of.....   I am afraid of misinterpreted words.   Not misinterpretation by those who I don't care about.  Why would I be afraid of that?  On the contrary, I almost expect it.   No, I fear misinterpretation by those who I care for more than I care for my self.  Because......  I am not the only person who bears emotional scars.   I can stand almost anything that may come of this disastrous grouping, except for one thing.  I could not bear the loss of my friend.   I don't know exactly why I fear this, but I do and it is an irrational fear that I can't shake.    If I "speak" in an e-mail, I may say the wrong thing.  If I don't speak, I risk being unsupportive.  Either way, I lose.

Ok, so there it is .  And I don't feel any lighter.   What to do.  What to do.