You're read my ramblings and aborted attempts to help myself. You've read about my relationships, all few of them. People who mean the world to me, but somehow I keep messing up with them whether I try hard or just try to go with the flow.
I've tried yoga
I've tried meditation
I've tried extreme exercise and dieting.
I've tried blogging-obviously.
I've tried the old "do what makes me happy and don't worry about anyone else" routine.
I've tried turning myself inside out in an attempt to make people want me (or want me more than they already do).
I've tried to get myself involved more in activities hoping that something magical would happen. That I'd suddenly become an "It Girl".
I'm tired. And I just feel like a big ball of resentment and anger. This is a dangerous combination. It makes me say and do stupid things.
Is there really such a thing as unconditional love and support between anyone other than parents and children? It doesn't feel like it right now. Is there anyone out there who has enough faith in me to just say "you're in your stupid place right now, aren't you?" instead of reacting with anger when I'm in my stupid place? Is it fair to even expect anyone to be able to do that?
Maybe I don't deserve such a person.
I need professional help. It has taken me years of flailing around trying to cure myself to say that. I've unfairly leaned on other people who I claim to love for too long because I didn't want to admit the truth
I need a shrink.
I want to cry but I can't because I'm at work. Put up the facade and soldier on. But very soon, I need to get help, before I really end up as alone as I feel. God help me.