Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Random Thoughts of the Day

So I guess my employer isn't ALL bad.  A bit naive and unfocused, perhaps.  But not all bad.  Last week, I attended Session 3 of a 3-session "learning and development" series.  Things with those titles have always turned out to be deadly dull.  Not so with this one.  At one point, we discussed stress management and job burnout.  I thought I knew about job burnout....that it occurred when someone had been working at the same place doing the same thing for years.  I didn't realize that the symptoms could build and span more than one employer.  Disillusionment was a major symptom, plus total withdrawal from friends and family -among other symptoms.  As I stared at this list on the power point presentation, it hit me right between the eyes - this was me two years ago at my peak of whatever it was that I hadn't been able to put a name to.  Finally, it all made sense.

I was thrown to the curb by an employer of 19 years who, when I was hired, had been referred to as "Mother Marine" because people who were hired there tended to be lifers -  me and people who I had viewed as my second family.   My new job turned out to be an unsatisfactory substitute.  I was withdrawn from my family.  My husband and I were barely civil.  Job burnout.  There it was staring me in the face.  Is it ironic that I was in a session being run by the very sub-par employer that had failed to measure up to my lofty standards?  Perhaps this place isn't so bad after all.  Today they brought in someone to help us with stress on the job.  She has a website entitled "laugh".  She is hysterically funny.   And I think she helped us - a lot.  So while I feel like the future of my department is still somewhat questionable (yes, here we go again), at least it feels like someone might actually care.  I clawed my way out of that job burnout (with a lot of help that came along at just the right time), and even if something happens to my current job, I feel so much more empowered than I did three and a half years ago when this all started.

The only thing I need to keep myself from doing is getting emotionally attached to the people I work with and the notion that this place was my savior when I seemed to be hopelessly unemployed.  This is what got me in trouble before, I think.  This job is not my life.  These people are not my life.  My life needs to be what happens when I'm not there.  Is this even possible?  I don't know if it's in my nature to be detached.  I seem to have a long history of getting way too attached to people who ultimately let me down.  I guess I have this subconscious need for .... not sure how to put this into words.... validation, I guess.  Someone for whom I am a #1 priority.    Shouldn't my husband be this person?  Yes, he should and he is, but this never seems to be enough.  I just don't think he really "gets" me sometimes.  I love him more than life, but I just want to spend time with someone who gets me.  When I look back, I guess I've been looking for this my whole life.  I didn't find it at work, didn't find it with my family.  I guess the hubby is still a work in progress.  I won't give up on him yet.   I suppose I have a lot more living to do, employers to work for, experiences to have - before I pack it in.  According to the laugh academy lady, I'm a Tigger.... and Tiggers  bounce, bounce, bounce...

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