Friday, April 25, 2014

Downing in an Ocean of Unknowns

There was a Facebook post recently - posted by one of those witty, comical Facebook fan pages.  At the top of the picture was the title:   "Male Emoticons" - underneath was the neutral smiley face emoticon repeated several times, interspersed with the occasional smirking emoticon.   At the bottom of the picture was the title "Female Emoticons" - underneath was every stinking smiley face emoticon known to man arranged in a totally random sequence.  I laughed and thought to myself that there was a grain of truth to that analysis.  Today, I feel like it is a completely accurate representation of my feelings.

I can hardly wait for this job interview to come and go.  This weekend is a relief.  I have spent all week feeling off kilter - do I look like I'm "up to something"?  Am I acting like myself?   I feel somehow stifled, as though I'm afraid that I will accidentally and spontaneously blurt out "I have a job interview on Tuesday!!"  This is ridiculous, of course.  It is all brought on by my fear of the unknown and my intense dislike of not being in control.  Too many unknowns - how will I present myself - when asked about my lack of HR experience, lack of knowledge about HRIS systems, etc...  if I manage to somehow wrangle a job offer out of all of this, then what?  Salary - what is acceptable, desirable, reasonable....? Notice - how much notice should I give?   Would they even want me around?  I'm not taking an offer from a competitor.  Would they want me around for 2 or 3 more weeks.....?  What about the seminar in Minneapolis?  The major project that I'm supposed to be heading up?  I am putting the cart before the horse.  I can't help it.  This is my compulsive need to see the path that is laid out ahead of me.  It is my instinctive reaction to any situation where there are possible issues and no known solutions.  My brain can't rest until I can visualize the path to a solution.  Sometimes I feel as though I am incapable of just letting events unfold naturally.

Then there is my so-called hobby.   Going through the motions in a Board position that I have renamed as "Bored Position" in my own mind.  Resigning myself and willing myself to continue in this position.  Because it is the right thing to do, the easy thing to do.  But what about the rest of the Board - people who are important who may or may not run for re-election?   People who do run for re-election when they are unsuited for their current positions?  How can I force myself to be optimistic about another season of this?   Responsibilities not being met, a Music Director who becomes more entrenched in the immediate present and the past and less capable of planning the future with every passing season.  A  plan for our 50th Anniversary season that we, the Board, collectively seem to be incapable of moving forward on .  A planned concert tour that has so many balls in the air with time ticking, getting ever closer to the magic date.      I am worried - not because I don't have faith in the trip coordinator ((hugs)), but because - once again - it is my fear of the unknown that overwhelms me to the point that I feel almost immobilized - because if I just do nothing - just stand perfectly still -, maybe everything around me will stop too and allow me and everyone else around me to just catch up.   I don't expect to be ahead of the game.  I just want us to catch up.  I desperately need to catch up.

Too many unknowns.  My brain feels like it has a tornado inside of it  - whirling my thoughts around and around and around.   My first instinct is to just survive the next few days and months.  But I'd like to do more than just survive.  It would be nice to succeed.

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