Isn't it amazing how God uses the people in our life as conduits to send a message to us? It's up to us to recognize the message, and apply it as we see fit. Sometimes it's a joyful message. Other times, it's a wake up call. And no matter how in tune we think we've become with ourselves, the wake up call will always find a way to show itself anyhow.
Recently, an associate used the term "Come to Jesus" to describe something that he felt that needed to happen between another person and our organization. What does this term mean, exactly? Well, to my way of thinking, it means that someone needs to recognize and take responsibility for past actions, and, equally important, to accept the consequences of those actions.
I have done a lot of writing here about the person that I used to be and how I came to recognize that I was not the best person I could have been in my words and actions toward others. I've also written about my new outlook on life, how much better my life has become because of my new outlook, etc ..... but I haven't really come to terms with the consequences of the first 25 years of my adult life. Because, you see, 25 years of bad behavior can't be wiped out overnight no matter what you say or do. In some cases, it can never be wiped out. That's what I need to accept.
What am I talking about? I am talking about people I've know forever who assume I'm going to act a certain way - this would mainly be family members, since any old friends have long since abandoned me. I'm talking about being at the bottom of their priority lists - because in the past, they were always at the bottom of mine. I'm talking about the words that I speak being interpreted based on the person I used to be. And this is me knowing that no matter how hard I work to accept these consequences, it doesn't make it hurt any less each and every time it happens.
The other side of this is that I have to realize that there is no magic wand to wave that will make me someone's darling. I can't make up for 25 years of insensitivity by cramming every ounce of affection in my being onto the people in my life today. I've come to realize that it doesn't ring true with those who've known me forever, and it just might be scaring those who haven't.
So this is what it all boils down to. 25 years of "F--K you, followed by "Come to Jesus" moments for the rest of my life. This is my reality, this is my normal. I guess the next step is to decide how to deal with the hurt so that it doesn't turn me back into the person that I used to be. Because, I think that would be a "Welcome to Hell" moment.