Greetings to all who are still with me on this blog!
A few weeks ago, I started a new blog that I am actively promoting on social media. I am going through what I will call an "interesting" phase in my life right now, and I've decided that I really need to journal my feelings. So, this blog is going to take the shape of a journal, and if you don't know me personally, I will be using names and places that are a part of my personal life, and I won't be bothering with extra descriptions. If that doesn't appeal to you, then get out now; otherwise....
Mandy moved to New York City in June. My only child is gone for the foreseeable future. Please everyone, stop telling me what a great place it is to visit and how so many young people are returning to Western New York. And, above all, PLEASE stop asking me about when I think she'll come here for a visit! She just started a new job, for Christ's sake!! We have a visit planned for the end of October, which, today might as well be the end of never..
I've decided that Bill is just as mixed up as I am about our empty nest. The problem is, he won't talk about it. So I can't tell if he's still interested in me as his wife and partner, or if he just wants a roommate that cooks. He seems to only be capable of thinking in terms of "me" and "I" rather than "us" and "we"- case in point: this birthday party at the Manor House in September. When I told him that we might have been been back-doored into sleeping there on Saturday AND Sunday night, his response was "I have to go to work in the morning!!" These words instantly infuriated me, and I replied "Well what the hell do you think I have planned for Monday morning? Sitting around eating bon-bons"??? He is like this about everything. It's like I'm some vague after-thought for him. Without a dependent child in the mix, I guess he has no reason to think about me at all. Today my alarm malfunctioned and I was running behind. Now, he has made it clear that he rolls in to work at 8:30 or 9:00 and is the first one there. I have to be downtown by 7:30. So, I'm scrambling around, run downstairs.... and there he is at the stove, making HIS breakfast. This is not the time he usually makes it, but he decides that today would be a good day to do so,...... because why not make Tina more late than she already is????
My choices, as I see them right now, are to either try to bring him around or to just start doing my own thing without him, just as he seems to be doing. Of course, that is not as easy as it sounds. Social media is flooded with people posting about vacations and picnics and whatnot, which involves (duh!) groups of people - as in someone other than me, myself and I. I am just out of ideas on what to do about this, and maybe writing about it will help me to not turn into a complete basket case.
My mother consciously chose the path of the Lone Wolf. For quite a few years, it seemed to work for her - until she died bitter and lonely. Which makes me wonder if she really chose the path or was forced down it by circumstance. At least while my father was alive, she had a partner who seemed remotely interested in her. So, in a way, she was better off than me. This thought does NOT make me feel better.