Catching Up

Hey!  Wow, it's been a while, right?  What can I say, when you get the urge to blog , you need to follow it.

A lot has changed since my last post, but in some ways, nothing has changed. That's why I'm at this place here..  I've lost the emotional anxiety that made me so needy and moody.  It was and still is such a relief.  The funny (or not so funny) thing is that there are still times that people are afraid to tell me things that they think will set me off.  When that happens, I think "man, why did anyone want anything to do with me?"

I shed my routine of some long-standing responsibilities that had become painful baggage. I took some serious me time for about six months and decided to challenge myself vocally by joining a philhamonic chorus.

I guess I thought I had things all figured out finally.  Well, you know, all actions have consequences.  I've been taking an antidepressant for going on two years, and there are times when I feel like whatever spark I had to my personality has vanished.  I've written pages and pages about my lack of friendships and lack of social life.  I guess I assumed that my moodiness and anxiety were such major turn-offs that the "new me" would be able to  at least improve my social  issues a teeny bit.  I was wrong.  Now, not only do I have no social life, I am also extremely conflicted about whether or not I even give a damn.  My motivation to do something about it is pretty much nonexistent because if I'm still not interesting enough for people to notice, what more can I possibly do?

Up to now, I've been ok.  But recently I started having strange, disturbing dreams.  A lot of them were so nonsensical that I couldn't describe them to anyone.  Then I had one about my job.  It was bizarre, but it also felt like my subconscious was questioning my career choices and this was its way of making me doubt myself.

Today was a banner day for mental health.  I woke up from a dream in which someone I love dearly had passed away, and I was trying to figure out how I wabs going to get through the rest of my life without this person..  I awoke with a sick, nauseated feeling in my stomach and an ache in my heart.  I had to lay in bed for 10 minutes just trying to recover and convince myself that it wasn't real.  Later today, I had just about recovered when I once again viewed photos on Facebook taken at a party at which I hadn't been invited.  Once again, this was a party that I shouldn't be upset or offended about, a party for someone that I know pretty well and have known for many years but not someone that I was super close with.  But.... given the other attendees.... and given the dozens of similar soirees I've viewed post-celebre, it felt like a stab.  It shouldn't have...which made me feel stupid and childish....but it did
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I guess I need to come to terms with the fact that I will never be the belle of the ball.  One of my fears has always been that I would die friendless like my mother.  At this point, it is very likely that this will be my reality.   I am reminded of an episode of Sex and the City where Charlotte dates a man who takes antidepressants that have made him impotent.   When she asks him if he would ever consider not taking them for a while so that they could have sex, he answers in the negative.  For him, the cure is worth the side effect.  Needless to say, it wasn't for her.  LOL.   I couldn't cultivate a social life when I was a higher-energy, sparky moody rollercoaster, and I can't cultivate a social life now that I'm calm and thoughtful.  At least I'm not having anxiety attacks and meltdowns over the situation.   The dreams need to stop, though.  I'm almost afraid to close my eyes tonight.

I don't think I'll ever stop wondering though..... do we really have ultimate control over our true reality?