My dearest friend,
I have written volumes about what our friendship means to me and where I would be if we'd never met. I feel like I owe you a debt that can never be repaid. But …..
Something has happened. I have theories, but they all make me sad. I just need to know the truth. Where to begin, or rather, where to begin without babbling incoherently.
We always said that our friendship was not based on the chorus and if it were to disappear, we would not be affected because we have so many other similar interests. Then I retired from the Board. You stopped communicating to me about anything chorus-related unless I initiated the discussion or you wanted a favor from me. Turns out a lot of our conversations used to be about the chorus. Many more than I realized until those conversations stopped.
My mental stability - or lack thereof - used to be a frequent topic of conversation. When I finally got help and started taking an antidepressant, things leveled off. I stopped having fits of anger and bouts of the blues. I feel incredibly lucky. My days and nights are calm. Things that used to make me nuts have little effect on me these days. But.... where is my friend, my "therapist", my sounding board, my rock? I have not stopped wanting you in my life as my best friend simply because I don't have to lean on you like some psychotic basket case.
The "Wall". A few years ago, your family was in crisis. Your granddaughter was hospitalized with an undiagnosed and scary illness. Being that we were best friends, my instinct was to help in any way possible. But it was like a wall had been pulled down around all of you. The rest of the, world, myself included, were on the outside and there was no looking in. I was frozen out for months. I did my best to understand and try not to focus on myself, but I was still in the grip of my emotional instability and complete lack of self esteem. Those months seemed like an eternity. Last year I finally tried to discuss it with you. You told me that you'd blocked that year out. We were interrupted, you said we needed to finish the talk another time, soon. It never happened. Now your husband has had a health scare. I love your husband, I care about his health. But the Wall is up again. I'm not totally inexperienced. When your spouse, a man in his late 30's, is diagnosed with atrial fibrillation and the experts don't know how to treat him "because of his age" and nothing they try works, you get a little worried. I remember being so grateful that I had a friend at work that was willing to allow me to unload on her. You internalize things and are a private person. I get that. But I'm your best friend, aren't I? There was a time in our history when you did literally cry on my shoulder. I'm trying to understand, but I'm not having a lot of success.
Back to the truth. What happened to us? Is it that I'm not on the Board anymore? Has my mental stability made me uninteresting? Has it taken me off your priority list? I'm ashamed to admit that a few years ago, I might have manufactured an "emergency" in order to get your attention. Right now, I guess I like myself too much to stoop that low.
How does all of this make me feel? Well, I feel like a toy that you keep on a shelf in the closet and bring out when you have that rare few hours of down time that you need to fill with something. I love being an "Aunt" to your grandchildren and wouldn't trade it for anything, but family parties can't take the place of lunches, coffee or movies. We can't talk at a birthday party the way we can when we're alone. I feel like it's all about what's important to you. In your brilliant, compartmentalized brain, where am I? Am I in a compartment in the way back corner? Or have I been purged altogether?
I just want to know the truth. Maybe you don't even know it yourself. I'm holding on to the belief that this is all coming from your subconscious and you don't realize any of this. But really... I want the real truth. Am I really your best friend still? Or am I now one of those friends that you have to remember to get together with occasionally so that we can "get coffee and catch up"? If that's what it is now, I'd rather just know and deal with it.
But, I just really hope that it's not. That's all.
Love you always, no matter what.
TR
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