At a meeting today, I first heard the notion of our interests as being akin to bubbles. So, for instance, my job is a bubble? Chorus is a bubble? Church choir is a bubble? As I ponder the bubbles in my life right now, it occurs to me that I am in conflict with each of them to one extent or another. And what's worse is that I don't have any answers brewing in my head, no ideas about resolution at all.
It occurred to me that I rarely refer to my job as "my career". Maybe because I know that it's not what I was ever meant to be doing. I don't hate it. I also feel no particular passion for it, and I would not be bothered in the least if something were to happen that would render me unable to work in this particular field ever again. It qualifies as a "bubble" only by the mere fact that it takes up 8+ hours of my day, five days a week. I guess I've resigned myself to being stuck with this dead-end and not particularly well-paying profession. I have no choice when my spouse is the one who pursued his dream. I'm the stable one with the job with benefits. That's just the way it's always been, and you can't have both adults just going off and finding themselves.... can you? Not really.
So I try to turn to other bubbles for fulfillment. I have always loved to sing for as long as I can remember. I started in my church choir when I was 26 years old. I am almost 50 and still in the same choir, but it feels very different. I am having big conflicts with Catholicism. So often I sit at Mass and know that if there were no choir, I wouldn't be there. Twenty years ago, I would not have understood someone who felt that way, and the idea of leaving the Catholic church was foreign to me. Now I think about it constantly. I feel a strong connection to my parish because I grew up there, received all of my Sacraments there, but is that enough? What is the whole premise of organized religion?
The other chorus is a completely different set of circumstances. I am filling a role on the Board of Directors because I'm good at it. Ten years ago I dragged the role out of the 1970s and made it more efficient which, in turn, allowed me to be more responsive to chorus members. But ..... much like my job, I don't love it. I am now in my 11th year in this position. Probably the first five years, I challenged myself with new technology. For the next three years or so, I performed tasks out of a sense of duty, and also because of the environment of the Board itself. Sometimes Jupiter really does align with Mars, and you find yourself working with a group of people who work so well together that you feel really good about performing even the most mundane of tasks. When you feel as though the sky is the limit, you agree to do just about anything willingly, for the good of the cause. But, all good things come to an end, and I now know that one of the biggest challenges that we as thinking and feeling human beings will face in our time on this earth is to live in the moment. Recognize how great things are while they are still great, and relish everything about them. Nothing is forever. Right now, my reality is that I am continually asking myself this question..... "if this is supposed to be my escape from the mundane and unfulfilling work life, how can I measure its success?" How is it lifting me up and relieving from the rest of my day?. How can I ever hope for it to do so, when not only do I not like what I'm doing, but I've become so busy doing what I don't like doing, I've left no time for singing which is why I joined the chorus in the first place!
This all sounds like a bunch of whining. The problem is that I don't know the solution. It is very frustrating to be committed to something so much that you can envision a solution, but you know that it will never happen because there are too many egos involved. So, you are stuck trying to think of a lesser solution, but there really isn't one. Why is it that other people are allowed to attach themselves to a role in a group after 1,2, or 3 years to the point where it is unthinkable that they switch jobs, even if they are unsuited to what they are currently doing..... and meanwhile, here I sit..... ELEVEN YEARS!!!!!!!! Have I earned the right to be angry and frustrated about this? Has my behavior become increasingly erratic because of my anger and frustration? Yes, and yes. How am I supposed to feel when my only options appear to be ..... suck it up, or quit entirely? Both options make me want to throw up. This is what is supposed to help me deal with my family responsibilities, my crappy "career", etc ,etc. Frankly, it's a very deflated bubble right now.
I love my daughter more than life itself, and she is everything to me. I have a friend who makes me want to shout to the world that this is what they are talking about in books and on TV when they describe BFFs and the person in your life who really "gets" you... and loves you anyway.
With these one or two glaring exceptions, my bubbles suck. End of story. I can only put on my best Scarlett O'Hara face and keep telling myself that tomorrow is another day.
Saturday, April 5, 2014
Monday, March 17, 2014
The Demise of Interesting TV - Just My Opinion
I have really been enjoying this new chapter of my television-watching life. I no longer subscribe to cable TV or satellite dish TV. I have an HD antenna for network television, and I have a Roku device for everything else. My subscription to Netflix opens up the possibility of reacquainting myself with much-loved TV shows gone to the great network cemetery. This weekend, I watched four episodes from the first season of The West Wing. It felt like paradise to watch something so well acted and written. I concluded that it felt that way because shows like this are an endangered species. And I thought - "What types of TV shows drove me to arrange my schedule around them, and why do I no longer feel compelled to do so?"
I have been mourning the demise of the great sitcom since Seinfeld ended. Why is is suddenly a crime to write a show that exists for the sole purpose of making me laugh? I'm not talking slapstick here. I mean truly clever writing and acting. I know all about "Modern Family", but somehow I feel as though I would be tuning in just so that I could be politically correct or trendily liberal - not because I thought that the show was hilarious. I watched it once. It was funny, but in my book, it cannot touch Seinfeld or Frasier for the ability to make me laugh until I cry. Oh well... back to Netflix and syndication for those...
Crime/Detective shows. Enough with them already. Exactly how many of these do we need on the networks at one time? I can't keep them straight, and I don't care to. I really like "Blacklist", but even that is starting to feel like "same old, same old" to me, and it's only in its first season. I watched exactly three episodes of "Castle" and felt like I was watching a new millennium version of Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys. And the writers apparently don't pay attention to history, because every show that has the main characters "finally become romantically involved after ____ seasons of fighting their growing attraction by pretending to dislike each other" has died a painful death in the ratings shortly thereafter. Total audience adrenaline crash. Really, just dumb. And, with all due respect for the good taste of my friends....... Nathan Fillion.........really? When I look at him, I see the high school pretty boy who strung 5 girls along before deciding 3 days before the prom which one would look best on his arm. I'm sure he's a great guy. But I need more than just a pretty face. I find him singularly uninteresting. Next.
Reality TV. Devoting more than 5 sentences to this "genre" is a crime unto itself. If we need proof of the failure of the American education system, we need look no further than the millions of Americans who tune in every week to shows such as "Honey Boo Boo", "Duck Dynasty", and "Swamp People". Enough said.
So, what are my favorite TV shows ever in my adult life, and why?
Seinfeld - how did someone literally write a 'show about nothing' for that many seasons that made me laugh so hard and gave me nicknames and catchphrases that I will probably use in conversation until the day I die? That kind of comic genius defies explanation.
Frasier - writing, writing, writing. Some day I hope to meet someone who is that pretentious and that lovable all at the same time. That show gave me hope that these people actually exist out there somewhere.
Sex and the City - this show was about so much more than sex or New York City. It was about the power of the female friendship. It helped me to identify what was missing in my life at that time. To this day, I miss that show.
LA Law - the most clever lawyer show ever. Period. This show is probably the main reason why I couldn't stick with 'The Good Wife'. I found myself continually drawing comparisons, and 'The Good Wife' always came up short. Where is 'LA Law', anyway? Episodes of this show cannot be found!
E.R. - the idea that some of this stuff might actually be going on in real emergency rooms was so horrifying that I had to watch - like a bad automobile accident, I couldn't turn away. It produced the only episode of any TV show I've ever watched that left me traumatized for at least 24 hours afterward. I still shudder when I think of it.
Ally McBeal - If ever there was the perfect definition of the '90s "Dramady", this show was IT. I was like a lone soldier watching this show, because it was on at the same time as "Everybody Loves Raymond" -which everybody else I knew was watching. I didn't love 'Raymond', and I guess I wasn't alone after all, as Ally McBeal held its own for many seasons against him.
Friends - my guilty pleasure - sort of like.... Nathan Fillion ...... I guess .......
The West Wing - I've saved the best for last. Maybe I loved this show because I love American history. Maybe it was the amazing writing. Maybe it was the incredible cast, impossible not to fall in love with. Maybe it was Rob Lowe. Rob Lowe - now there's a gorgeous package - with an interesting life story to go with it. His comeback role, bless his little blue-eyed soul. I digress. Even after the show changed writers, it never got stale for me. I mourned its end. Thank God for Netflix.
There is not a show running today that comes close to any of these, in my book, with one major exception. Downton Abbey. I do arrange my Sunday evening schedule around it, and I am upset when I miss it. In the same vein as Frasier, it gives me hope that the upper crust in Europe isn't so "crusty " after all. Historically interesting, emotionally endearing characters, sometimes thought-provoking, unapologetically soap-opera like at times, it is everything that the majority of today's first-run TV shows are not. Now .... for God's sake, they'd better let Lady Mary juggle her suitors for at least one more season (see my comments on 'Castle' above)! How will they all react when they find out about Lady Edith's baby? Will this show last until the Great Depression.....? Think of that potential...
I'm digressing again........
I say again, thank God for Netflix and for outside interests. I like to occasionally read about the reasons for the fall of the Roman Empire. One thousand years from now, when they read about "the fall of the American Empire", I am sure that there will be a picture of Phil Robertson, Honey Boo Boo, and the entire cast of 'Jersey Shore' on the book cover. I would bet my autographed picture of Rob Lowe on it.
I have been mourning the demise of the great sitcom since Seinfeld ended. Why is is suddenly a crime to write a show that exists for the sole purpose of making me laugh? I'm not talking slapstick here. I mean truly clever writing and acting. I know all about "Modern Family", but somehow I feel as though I would be tuning in just so that I could be politically correct or trendily liberal - not because I thought that the show was hilarious. I watched it once. It was funny, but in my book, it cannot touch Seinfeld or Frasier for the ability to make me laugh until I cry. Oh well... back to Netflix and syndication for those...
Crime/Detective shows. Enough with them already. Exactly how many of these do we need on the networks at one time? I can't keep them straight, and I don't care to. I really like "Blacklist", but even that is starting to feel like "same old, same old" to me, and it's only in its first season. I watched exactly three episodes of "Castle" and felt like I was watching a new millennium version of Nancy Drew and the Hardy Boys. And the writers apparently don't pay attention to history, because every show that has the main characters "finally become romantically involved after ____ seasons of fighting their growing attraction by pretending to dislike each other" has died a painful death in the ratings shortly thereafter. Total audience adrenaline crash. Really, just dumb. And, with all due respect for the good taste of my friends....... Nathan Fillion.........really? When I look at him, I see the high school pretty boy who strung 5 girls along before deciding 3 days before the prom which one would look best on his arm. I'm sure he's a great guy. But I need more than just a pretty face. I find him singularly uninteresting. Next.
Reality TV. Devoting more than 5 sentences to this "genre" is a crime unto itself. If we need proof of the failure of the American education system, we need look no further than the millions of Americans who tune in every week to shows such as "Honey Boo Boo", "Duck Dynasty", and "Swamp People". Enough said.
So, what are my favorite TV shows ever in my adult life, and why?
Seinfeld - how did someone literally write a 'show about nothing' for that many seasons that made me laugh so hard and gave me nicknames and catchphrases that I will probably use in conversation until the day I die? That kind of comic genius defies explanation.
Frasier - writing, writing, writing. Some day I hope to meet someone who is that pretentious and that lovable all at the same time. That show gave me hope that these people actually exist out there somewhere.
Sex and the City - this show was about so much more than sex or New York City. It was about the power of the female friendship. It helped me to identify what was missing in my life at that time. To this day, I miss that show.
LA Law - the most clever lawyer show ever. Period. This show is probably the main reason why I couldn't stick with 'The Good Wife'. I found myself continually drawing comparisons, and 'The Good Wife' always came up short. Where is 'LA Law', anyway? Episodes of this show cannot be found!
E.R. - the idea that some of this stuff might actually be going on in real emergency rooms was so horrifying that I had to watch - like a bad automobile accident, I couldn't turn away. It produced the only episode of any TV show I've ever watched that left me traumatized for at least 24 hours afterward. I still shudder when I think of it.
Ally McBeal - If ever there was the perfect definition of the '90s "Dramady", this show was IT. I was like a lone soldier watching this show, because it was on at the same time as "Everybody Loves Raymond" -which everybody else I knew was watching. I didn't love 'Raymond', and I guess I wasn't alone after all, as Ally McBeal held its own for many seasons against him.
Friends - my guilty pleasure - sort of like.... Nathan Fillion ...... I guess .......
The West Wing - I've saved the best for last. Maybe I loved this show because I love American history. Maybe it was the amazing writing. Maybe it was the incredible cast, impossible not to fall in love with. Maybe it was Rob Lowe. Rob Lowe - now there's a gorgeous package - with an interesting life story to go with it. His comeback role, bless his little blue-eyed soul. I digress. Even after the show changed writers, it never got stale for me. I mourned its end. Thank God for Netflix.
There is not a show running today that comes close to any of these, in my book, with one major exception. Downton Abbey. I do arrange my Sunday evening schedule around it, and I am upset when I miss it. In the same vein as Frasier, it gives me hope that the upper crust in Europe isn't so "crusty " after all. Historically interesting, emotionally endearing characters, sometimes thought-provoking, unapologetically soap-opera like at times, it is everything that the majority of today's first-run TV shows are not. Now .... for God's sake, they'd better let Lady Mary juggle her suitors for at least one more season (see my comments on 'Castle' above)! How will they all react when they find out about Lady Edith's baby? Will this show last until the Great Depression.....? Think of that potential...
I'm digressing again........
I say again, thank God for Netflix and for outside interests. I like to occasionally read about the reasons for the fall of the Roman Empire. One thousand years from now, when they read about "the fall of the American Empire", I am sure that there will be a picture of Phil Robertson, Honey Boo Boo, and the entire cast of 'Jersey Shore' on the book cover. I would bet my autographed picture of Rob Lowe on it.
Sunday, March 2, 2014
Shout Out to the "Fun" Musical
I recently attended a high school performance of Thoroughly Modern Millie. This is a high school music program that has churned out many a large-scale, dramatic musical in recent history. I didn't know how they would present this little piece of fluff, but I'm happy to say that it was fantastic. The vocals did not disappoint, and the acting was surprisingly sharp. Comedy can be just as difficult as drama to pull off, and this cast was right on top of it.
I left humming "Forget About the Boy", my favorite from this show, and I got to thinking about fun musicals. We need more of them. More new ones. More of them being performed at the high school level. New musicals seem to have missed the boat on how to mix fun with a serious message. South Pacific is my favorite example of a musical from days of yore that was so much fun, but ...... the underlying condemnation of racism was loud and clear. Even Mame, which was a seemingly never-ending parade of fun, managed to send a message about classism and social responsibility.
I would like to see Kinky Boots. What I do not want to see..... Bridges of Madison County. Loved the movie, but the idea of turning such a story into a musical appalls me for some reason. My poster child for seriously misguided musicals will continue to be Next to Normal. I'm sure that the acting and singing has been and will continue to be superb. A musical about a woman with bipolar disorder is just not something that will entertain me. That's what it's supposed to be about, right? If I want serious drama, they have stage plays for that. Spontaneously bursting into song about mental illness, prostitution in Saigon during the Vietnam War, plucking gold teeth from dead bodies after a battle, etc, etc, ..... seems crazy to me.
OK, I admit that I love Miss Saigon and Les Miserables, but lets face it.... the writers of these shows must have a very dark outlook on life in general. I'll continue to enjoy these shows, but I'd like to see more new musicals in the vein of Thoroughly Modern Millie. That's all. A little balance is not too much to ask for, right?
I love that high schools and their students are so socially conscious in today's troubled world. Lord knows, my generation could have used a touch of that awareness. But, I was taken aback at this particular high school's need to announce, prior to the overture to Thoroughly Modern Millie that "Because this musical makes light of human trafficking, the cast and crew has adopted _____________________ (charity that fights human trafficking, the name escapes me) and asks that, in lieu of flowers, you make a donation to _________________". Whatever their noble intentions, it felt like they were apologizing for their choice of musicals. Please don't apologize to me. I promise you, this musical has never left me with the impression that human trafficking is hilarious. What it does is to lift my heart, lift my spirits, make me laugh, and leaves me humming more than one of its songs. Believe me...... that is NOTHING to apologize for.
I left humming "Forget About the Boy", my favorite from this show, and I got to thinking about fun musicals. We need more of them. More new ones. More of them being performed at the high school level. New musicals seem to have missed the boat on how to mix fun with a serious message. South Pacific is my favorite example of a musical from days of yore that was so much fun, but ...... the underlying condemnation of racism was loud and clear. Even Mame, which was a seemingly never-ending parade of fun, managed to send a message about classism and social responsibility.
I would like to see Kinky Boots. What I do not want to see..... Bridges of Madison County. Loved the movie, but the idea of turning such a story into a musical appalls me for some reason. My poster child for seriously misguided musicals will continue to be Next to Normal. I'm sure that the acting and singing has been and will continue to be superb. A musical about a woman with bipolar disorder is just not something that will entertain me. That's what it's supposed to be about, right? If I want serious drama, they have stage plays for that. Spontaneously bursting into song about mental illness, prostitution in Saigon during the Vietnam War, plucking gold teeth from dead bodies after a battle, etc, etc, ..... seems crazy to me.
OK, I admit that I love Miss Saigon and Les Miserables, but lets face it.... the writers of these shows must have a very dark outlook on life in general. I'll continue to enjoy these shows, but I'd like to see more new musicals in the vein of Thoroughly Modern Millie. That's all. A little balance is not too much to ask for, right?
I love that high schools and their students are so socially conscious in today's troubled world. Lord knows, my generation could have used a touch of that awareness. But, I was taken aback at this particular high school's need to announce, prior to the overture to Thoroughly Modern Millie that "Because this musical makes light of human trafficking, the cast and crew has adopted _____________________ (charity that fights human trafficking, the name escapes me) and asks that, in lieu of flowers, you make a donation to _________________". Whatever their noble intentions, it felt like they were apologizing for their choice of musicals. Please don't apologize to me. I promise you, this musical has never left me with the impression that human trafficking is hilarious. What it does is to lift my heart, lift my spirits, make me laugh, and leaves me humming more than one of its songs. Believe me...... that is NOTHING to apologize for.
Tuesday, February 25, 2014
Journey into My Crisis of Faith
I attended an Episcopal church service on Sunday. I'm using the words "Crisis of Faith" in my title, because that's how my well-meaning friends at St Francis will refer to it. I prefer to think of it as an evolution. At any rate, this was a baby step at best. I can't desert my choir right before Lent and Easter, and I certainly can't make any decisions based on one service at one church. But, I feel the need to document this for reference purposes, if nothing else.
My list of Pros and Cons. Note that some of these pertain to the denomination as a whole, while others are particular to this one church.
Pros:
- Warm welcome at the door of the church. The greeter actually greeted. Warmly. Which leads me to my next point..
- The church was warm. I noticed immediately that nobody inside had their coat on. In all fairness, it was a smaller church and, therefor, easier to heat. As far back as childhood, I have been mystified by the Catholic habit of leaving one's coat on throughout Mass. I asked my mother once "does everyone leave their coat on so that they can leave as quickly as possible when Mass has ended?" I won't describe her response, but rest assured, it involved pain. I used to think it was because there was no place to hang a coat. But in this Episcopal church, I saw many people place their coats next to themselves in the pew. So, I'm still left to wonder - why leave your coat on inside for almost an hour? Is it the lack of heat or the lack of a coat room or the lack of something else?
- Music was very traditional. This is totally about personal preference, of course. I absolutely detest most of the music found in the standard Catholic missalette. When I attempt to sing it, I feel as though I could have written all of the songs in my living room on one slow Saturday night. Most of the Episcopal hymns were sight-readable, but very old school in feel. The choir was not spectacular, but they enhanced the service adequately. The congregation sang. I won't go into the significance of this, except to say that St. Francis parishioners have a rep for singing, but they were mute compared to this group.
- The homily was amazing (yes, they are called homilies still, by the Episcopalians). Intelligent and powerful without being bombastic or judgmental. And it left me with something to think about. I can't remember the last time I could say the same thing after Mass.
- Blessings. There was a lot of specific blessings and intentions going on. Prayers for: people with birthdays and anniversaries, the ill, the recently deceased, other churches in the area-of all denominations, new babies, this, that and the other - all of them listed by name. People celebrating birthdays and wedding anniversaries were invited to the front of the church for a special blessing. As a first-timer, I felt as though I was getting to know these people through this ritual. I found it to be very welcoming and appealing.
Cons:
-only one, really. There was (in no particular order): the Book of Common Prayer, the hymnal, and the program (given out by the friendly Greeters). At any particular time, I found myself juggling books in the pew. Some of the BCP material was duplicated in the program, the actual readings from the Bible were in the program, sometimes the program contained only a reference to a page number in the BCP. I can only assume that I would get better at it with practice, but on this particular occasion, it felt quite awkward, and I couldn't help but feel vindicated for occasionally laughing at people who found the Mass to be confusing to follow.
Other observations:
- Communion - received while kneeling at a communion rail! I was quite taken aback at this, seeing as how I've been Catholic my entire life and have never received Communion at a rail. I don't have any real feelings one way or another about this, except that I was startled, and if I was trying to be low-key, kneeling at a rail in front of the entire congregation was not the way to go about it.
- Sunday School - takes place during the service, and at a certain point in the service, the kids and parents come up from the basement and join the service in progress. At Mass, I've seen a "Children's Liturgy", but this was slightly different, as it was referred to as "Sunday School" and the parents had the option of participating with their kids (and most of them did). What went on down in the basement, I have no idea. I was relieved while they came upstairs, because I had been starting to think that there were no members under the age of 40.
So, these were the major points of interest. The sense of warmth and humanity that I gleaned from my initial research was definitely played out during this particular service. I chose not to go to the coffee hour that took place after the service. It didn't seen appropriate somehow, seeing as how I'm still in my discovery phase of this decision, and I was't ready to engage in conversations that might lead to questions. My final impression of this church: the woman sitting to my left turned to me after the service had concluded and informed me that I needed to be in the choir. I smiled and thanked her....... oh Lord, if she only knew.....
My list of Pros and Cons. Note that some of these pertain to the denomination as a whole, while others are particular to this one church.
Pros:
- Warm welcome at the door of the church. The greeter actually greeted. Warmly. Which leads me to my next point..
- The church was warm. I noticed immediately that nobody inside had their coat on. In all fairness, it was a smaller church and, therefor, easier to heat. As far back as childhood, I have been mystified by the Catholic habit of leaving one's coat on throughout Mass. I asked my mother once "does everyone leave their coat on so that they can leave as quickly as possible when Mass has ended?" I won't describe her response, but rest assured, it involved pain. I used to think it was because there was no place to hang a coat. But in this Episcopal church, I saw many people place their coats next to themselves in the pew. So, I'm still left to wonder - why leave your coat on inside for almost an hour? Is it the lack of heat or the lack of a coat room or the lack of something else?
- Music was very traditional. This is totally about personal preference, of course. I absolutely detest most of the music found in the standard Catholic missalette. When I attempt to sing it, I feel as though I could have written all of the songs in my living room on one slow Saturday night. Most of the Episcopal hymns were sight-readable, but very old school in feel. The choir was not spectacular, but they enhanced the service adequately. The congregation sang. I won't go into the significance of this, except to say that St. Francis parishioners have a rep for singing, but they were mute compared to this group.
- The homily was amazing (yes, they are called homilies still, by the Episcopalians). Intelligent and powerful without being bombastic or judgmental. And it left me with something to think about. I can't remember the last time I could say the same thing after Mass.
- Blessings. There was a lot of specific blessings and intentions going on. Prayers for: people with birthdays and anniversaries, the ill, the recently deceased, other churches in the area-of all denominations, new babies, this, that and the other - all of them listed by name. People celebrating birthdays and wedding anniversaries were invited to the front of the church for a special blessing. As a first-timer, I felt as though I was getting to know these people through this ritual. I found it to be very welcoming and appealing.
Cons:
-only one, really. There was (in no particular order): the Book of Common Prayer, the hymnal, and the program (given out by the friendly Greeters). At any particular time, I found myself juggling books in the pew. Some of the BCP material was duplicated in the program, the actual readings from the Bible were in the program, sometimes the program contained only a reference to a page number in the BCP. I can only assume that I would get better at it with practice, but on this particular occasion, it felt quite awkward, and I couldn't help but feel vindicated for occasionally laughing at people who found the Mass to be confusing to follow.
Other observations:
- Communion - received while kneeling at a communion rail! I was quite taken aback at this, seeing as how I've been Catholic my entire life and have never received Communion at a rail. I don't have any real feelings one way or another about this, except that I was startled, and if I was trying to be low-key, kneeling at a rail in front of the entire congregation was not the way to go about it.
- Sunday School - takes place during the service, and at a certain point in the service, the kids and parents come up from the basement and join the service in progress. At Mass, I've seen a "Children's Liturgy", but this was slightly different, as it was referred to as "Sunday School" and the parents had the option of participating with their kids (and most of them did). What went on down in the basement, I have no idea. I was relieved while they came upstairs, because I had been starting to think that there were no members under the age of 40.
So, these were the major points of interest. The sense of warmth and humanity that I gleaned from my initial research was definitely played out during this particular service. I chose not to go to the coffee hour that took place after the service. It didn't seen appropriate somehow, seeing as how I'm still in my discovery phase of this decision, and I was't ready to engage in conversations that might lead to questions. My final impression of this church: the woman sitting to my left turned to me after the service had concluded and informed me that I needed to be in the choir. I smiled and thanked her....... oh Lord, if she only knew.....
Saturday, February 22, 2014
Step One - A Question of Why
I am finally taking a big step this weekend. I've thought and dreamed about it for a few years now. I guess I was waiting for the final straw or whatever. I've had to trust myself enough to know that I would recognize the time when it came. It has come.
Tomorrow morning, I will attend church service. That's right. Service. Not Mass. I am a bit scared, to be honest. I realize that I am not the first nor will I be the last disenchanted Catholic to walk through the doors of an Episcopal Church. But I know that every experience is unique and I know that this not a lark for me.
I just read that Robin Williams, himself an Episcopalian, jokes about the Episcopal Church being "Catholic Lite" - all the structure with half the guilt. Based on research, I think it goes much deeper. It is a very structured denomination. Ritualistic. If you want proof, try attending an Evensong Service - or better yet, try being an active participant in one. Having sung in the chorus at three Evensong Services -one being at the Washington National Cathedral, no less, I knew that I was hooked on this denomination. The difference between the the rituals of the Episcopal Church and the Catholic Church can be boiled down to one word - harmony. When I hear the Episcopal prayers, I am immediately struck by how they are almost all about harmony. There is a rhythm to their psalms that is calming. There is a feeling of acceptance in their words and actions. I began to think that I might really be able to "have my cake and eat it too." Catholic Lite - No. Catholic - New and Improved - Yes.
My research tells me that the Episcopal Church is not afraid to question itself or its principles. In fact its entire history in North America is one of evolution. I believe this to be possible due to its identification with the common man. This denomination has proven (at least to me) that ritual beauty can coexist with empathy and self-evaluation. All is not lost when a change in official position takes place. In words and in actions, it is a mainstream Protestant denomination steeped in tradition that is not afraid to learn, grow and change with the times.
These are all aspects of the Episcopal Church that are sadly lacking in the Catholic Church. I have been searching for them, and the best case scenario I could find was the case of the Catholic Pastor who looks the other way at the lifestyle of the Gay Music Director - "he's the best organist we've ever had, so we'll ignore the fact that we don't condone his lifestyle, would never marry him and his partner and generally believe that he's going to Hell." Over 90% of married Catholics use artificial contraception to control the size of their families. Maybe because deep down, we know that God gave us intelligence and free will in order to have dominion over the other creatures of the Earth. "Be fruitful and multiply" does not mean "Multiply like rabbits". Then there is the question of abortion. The Episcopal position on abortion: "While the Episcopal Church recognizes a woman’s right to terminate her pregnancy, the church condones abortion only in cases of rape or incest, cases in which a mother’s physical or mental health is at risk, or cases involving fetal abnormalities. The church forbids “abortion as a means of birth control, family planning, sex selection or any reason of mere convenience.”" Well, I feel as though I could have written this myself. Humanity. Sense and feel the humanity in this statement. Feel the recognition of the trials of living across all strata of our civilization. I sense that this was written by people who might try to walk a mile in the shoes of their faithful.
The bottom line for me is that hoping that my parish will always employ a progressive pastor is no longer good enough. The monsignor at my church gives a homily at least once a year about "Cafeteria Plan Catholics". I can hear his voice. "Cafeteria Plan Catholics are ones who want to pick and choose the rules that suit them and their lifestyle. This is not good enough. A true Catholic sees his or her religion as an "all or nothing" proposition, and that is the only way to live a truly Catholic life." Well, guess what? He's dead on. So, I am choosing not to sit in his pew and hear this message again.
Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life.
Tomorrow morning, I will attend church service. That's right. Service. Not Mass. I am a bit scared, to be honest. I realize that I am not the first nor will I be the last disenchanted Catholic to walk through the doors of an Episcopal Church. But I know that every experience is unique and I know that this not a lark for me.
I just read that Robin Williams, himself an Episcopalian, jokes about the Episcopal Church being "Catholic Lite" - all the structure with half the guilt. Based on research, I think it goes much deeper. It is a very structured denomination. Ritualistic. If you want proof, try attending an Evensong Service - or better yet, try being an active participant in one. Having sung in the chorus at three Evensong Services -one being at the Washington National Cathedral, no less, I knew that I was hooked on this denomination. The difference between the the rituals of the Episcopal Church and the Catholic Church can be boiled down to one word - harmony. When I hear the Episcopal prayers, I am immediately struck by how they are almost all about harmony. There is a rhythm to their psalms that is calming. There is a feeling of acceptance in their words and actions. I began to think that I might really be able to "have my cake and eat it too." Catholic Lite - No. Catholic - New and Improved - Yes.
My research tells me that the Episcopal Church is not afraid to question itself or its principles. In fact its entire history in North America is one of evolution. I believe this to be possible due to its identification with the common man. This denomination has proven (at least to me) that ritual beauty can coexist with empathy and self-evaluation. All is not lost when a change in official position takes place. In words and in actions, it is a mainstream Protestant denomination steeped in tradition that is not afraid to learn, grow and change with the times.
These are all aspects of the Episcopal Church that are sadly lacking in the Catholic Church. I have been searching for them, and the best case scenario I could find was the case of the Catholic Pastor who looks the other way at the lifestyle of the Gay Music Director - "he's the best organist we've ever had, so we'll ignore the fact that we don't condone his lifestyle, would never marry him and his partner and generally believe that he's going to Hell." Over 90% of married Catholics use artificial contraception to control the size of their families. Maybe because deep down, we know that God gave us intelligence and free will in order to have dominion over the other creatures of the Earth. "Be fruitful and multiply" does not mean "Multiply like rabbits". Then there is the question of abortion. The Episcopal position on abortion: "While the Episcopal Church recognizes a woman’s right to terminate her pregnancy, the church condones abortion only in cases of rape or incest, cases in which a mother’s physical or mental health is at risk, or cases involving fetal abnormalities. The church forbids “abortion as a means of birth control, family planning, sex selection or any reason of mere convenience.”" Well, I feel as though I could have written this myself. Humanity. Sense and feel the humanity in this statement. Feel the recognition of the trials of living across all strata of our civilization. I sense that this was written by people who might try to walk a mile in the shoes of their faithful.
The bottom line for me is that hoping that my parish will always employ a progressive pastor is no longer good enough. The monsignor at my church gives a homily at least once a year about "Cafeteria Plan Catholics". I can hear his voice. "Cafeteria Plan Catholics are ones who want to pick and choose the rules that suit them and their lifestyle. This is not good enough. A true Catholic sees his or her religion as an "all or nothing" proposition, and that is the only way to live a truly Catholic life." Well, guess what? He's dead on. So, I am choosing not to sit in his pew and hear this message again.
Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life.
Saturday, February 15, 2014
Writing about Writing
First, for all of you followers who aren't from my hometown area - I submitting "On Turning 50" to my local newspaper, and they published it last weekend.
That post was not like most of my others. It was sort of comical but really meant to be inspirational to women of all ages. Most of the responses I've received were very positive, particularly from the men. Which really confirms what I've thought all along, that men want to have an affair or a one-night stand with one sort of woman, but they want to share their lives with an entirely different sort of woman. But...... also that most men would like their wives to make some sort of effort to maintain their vitality, be it mentally, physically or both! This, of course, is a two-way street. But that's a topic for another day.
I knew that I was risking alienation from the grey hairs. Only one person actually expressed a bit of resentment regarding my views on grey-haired women, and I know her well enough to know that her nose was a lot more out of joint than she was willing to express to my face. I suppose, if pressed, my response would be that if you truly believe that grey or salt and pepper hair is your best look, then that's fine and you should own that. But if your hair is this way because you aren't interested in how you look and don't feel like taking the time to change it, then that's an entirely different matter. And don't complain about or resent younger-looking women or the men who like them.
Positives: Two of my clients responded (both men...). One of them wanted my autograph! The other one told me that I should be an advice columnist. That one really made me laugh. Very few people who actually know me are even remotely interested in my opinion or my advice...... so maybe strangers would be........?? My employer loved it. My sister in Kentucky plastered it on her Facebook timeline. I've received random Facebook messages from people who looked me up to tell me how much they liked it. I've now given no less than four lectures on the topic of "What, exactly, are 'Mom jeans'?". I see it as a public service.
Well, this all got me to thinking about writing in general. All sorts of writing - blogs, columns, essays, and even e-mails. Every time you compose something, you are taking a risk and putting yourself out there. Nonverbal communication can be a land mine field. The reader's interpretation of the written word is influenced by so many things. When you are reading something, and you are "in the moment", your interpretation of the writer's intent could be very different than if you were to read it for the first time a week later. The writer has to be prepared for the world of interpretations that await us - and we need very much to tell ourselves that there are no "wrong" interpretations. "There is no Right or Wrong. There is only Opinion." Even those closest to us may have a reaction that catches us off guard and may be a pleasant or unpleasant surprise. This really does apply to e-mails as much as anything else. I find that my life these days hinges on the hundreds of e-mails that I send and receive each week - business and personal. Nothing can ruin the day so much as an e-mail that is not interpreted the way we might have wanted when we composed it or an e-mail we receive that hits us like a ton of bricks. And once you've put it out there, there's no going back. It's interesting that we usually have to rescue an e-mail gone wrong by (OMG!!!!!) talking. And I think.. "why not just talk in the first place?" But there is something about the convenience of writing and the creativity and flexibility of writing that makes it more appealing. We think that we can get our points across and express ourselves better. Most of the time, this is true ..... except, of course, when it's not.
So, I guess there has to be a bit of bravery involved when you become published. And these days, we are all "published" to a certain extent. You are taking a risk every time your piece appears in the local newspaper. Every time you post a blog entry. Every time you hit the "send" button on an e-mail. Some people think it's a sign of cowardice to "hide behind your typewriter" (see .... saying "hide behind your keyboard" doesn't sound right ...) as opposed to opening your mouth and letting the words fall out (have I mentioned how sick I am of that song?). I don't agree. The way I see it, the only coward is the one who does neither.
That post was not like most of my others. It was sort of comical but really meant to be inspirational to women of all ages. Most of the responses I've received were very positive, particularly from the men. Which really confirms what I've thought all along, that men want to have an affair or a one-night stand with one sort of woman, but they want to share their lives with an entirely different sort of woman. But...... also that most men would like their wives to make some sort of effort to maintain their vitality, be it mentally, physically or both! This, of course, is a two-way street. But that's a topic for another day.
I knew that I was risking alienation from the grey hairs. Only one person actually expressed a bit of resentment regarding my views on grey-haired women, and I know her well enough to know that her nose was a lot more out of joint than she was willing to express to my face. I suppose, if pressed, my response would be that if you truly believe that grey or salt and pepper hair is your best look, then that's fine and you should own that. But if your hair is this way because you aren't interested in how you look and don't feel like taking the time to change it, then that's an entirely different matter. And don't complain about or resent younger-looking women or the men who like them.
Positives: Two of my clients responded (both men...). One of them wanted my autograph! The other one told me that I should be an advice columnist. That one really made me laugh. Very few people who actually know me are even remotely interested in my opinion or my advice...... so maybe strangers would be........?? My employer loved it. My sister in Kentucky plastered it on her Facebook timeline. I've received random Facebook messages from people who looked me up to tell me how much they liked it. I've now given no less than four lectures on the topic of "What, exactly, are 'Mom jeans'?". I see it as a public service.
Well, this all got me to thinking about writing in general. All sorts of writing - blogs, columns, essays, and even e-mails. Every time you compose something, you are taking a risk and putting yourself out there. Nonverbal communication can be a land mine field. The reader's interpretation of the written word is influenced by so many things. When you are reading something, and you are "in the moment", your interpretation of the writer's intent could be very different than if you were to read it for the first time a week later. The writer has to be prepared for the world of interpretations that await us - and we need very much to tell ourselves that there are no "wrong" interpretations. "There is no Right or Wrong. There is only Opinion." Even those closest to us may have a reaction that catches us off guard and may be a pleasant or unpleasant surprise. This really does apply to e-mails as much as anything else. I find that my life these days hinges on the hundreds of e-mails that I send and receive each week - business and personal. Nothing can ruin the day so much as an e-mail that is not interpreted the way we might have wanted when we composed it or an e-mail we receive that hits us like a ton of bricks. And once you've put it out there, there's no going back. It's interesting that we usually have to rescue an e-mail gone wrong by (OMG!!!!!) talking. And I think.. "why not just talk in the first place?" But there is something about the convenience of writing and the creativity and flexibility of writing that makes it more appealing. We think that we can get our points across and express ourselves better. Most of the time, this is true ..... except, of course, when it's not.
So, I guess there has to be a bit of bravery involved when you become published. And these days, we are all "published" to a certain extent. You are taking a risk every time your piece appears in the local newspaper. Every time you post a blog entry. Every time you hit the "send" button on an e-mail. Some people think it's a sign of cowardice to "hide behind your typewriter" (see .... saying "hide behind your keyboard" doesn't sound right ...) as opposed to opening your mouth and letting the words fall out (have I mentioned how sick I am of that song?). I don't agree. The way I see it, the only coward is the one who does neither.
Monday, February 10, 2014
Remembering the Journey
Sometimes we find ourselves flailing. We struggle to recognize our own identity. Who am I? What do I stand for? Have I lost myself in my efforts to make more of myself than I really am? Right now, I need more than anything to remember what I used to be and I've become, because if I lose it, I'm afraid that it will be gone forever.
We all evolve as our lives morph and change. Circumstances can make us say and do things that are uncharacteristic of what we believe ourselves to be, so now I need a reminder of my journey. This is a piece that I wrote in 2010. It was published. I still believe it to be true. I have to. I just simply have to.
We all evolve as our lives morph and change. Circumstances can make us say and do things that are uncharacteristic of what we believe ourselves to be, so now I need a reminder of my journey. This is a piece that I wrote in 2010. It was published. I still believe it to be true. I have to. I just simply have to.
EVERYDAY HEROES ARE ALL AROUND US
"He was an influential man." What springs to mind when we hear that statement -- a politician or the president of a large corporation? Or perhaps a famous actor, singer or sports figure? What is it that drives us to look beyond our own surroundings to find inspiration in the life of another? How many of us have lived our entire lives having never experienced the impact of a truly influential person?
Perhaps many of us are so busy waiting for popular culture to meet this need that we do not recognize these people when they are right before our eyes. Miriam-Webster defines influence as "the act or power of producing an effect without apparent exertion of force or direct exercise of command."
It seems to me that cultural heroes in our society can never truly influence us in any meaningful way, because they exhibit an exertion of force in everything they do for the singular purpose of commanding our attention.
At the relatively young age of 45, it seemed that my life had become stagnant and purposeless. I was forced to find new employment, abandoning close to 19 years of achievement and strong emotional ties. I did have one beloved pastime, but even in that arena I was beginning to feel like my road had run its course.
I was questioning my role in every aspect of my life, including my marriage. In the simplest terms possible, I felt totally and utterly useless. I had created quite a pity party for myself and it was a party of one. I was in serious need of some positive influence.
There are people who walk quietly into our lives and influence us simply by being themselves. So it was with the person who shook me out of my doldrums. This person was a combination of work ethic, intelligence and generosity that grabbed my attention and spoke to my heart. And, for reasons beyond my understanding, she came into my world and saw something in me that very few others had ever seen. She never gave up on me, even though I had essentially abandoned myself. It was this tenacious influence that led me to my quintessential, Oprah Winfrey "aha" moment. It was, quite simply, the moment that changed my life.
I realized how incredibly lucky I was to be surrounded by the most amazing people who continue to influence me every day. From the woman who faces devastating health issues in her family and the loss of a child yet still manages to be a ray of sunshine in the lives of her friends, to the many cancer survivors I know who have gone through their ordeals with quiet faith and dignity.
I've observed a woman who overcame a potentially life-threatening condition while steadfastly coming to work with a smile on her face each day, and my own husband who works harder than anyone I know and would help out someone in a jam without hesitation. And most amazing to me is our daughter, who is as beautiful on the inside as she is on the outside.
As we face the struggles of everyday life, there will be times when we doubt or question ourselves and feel despair beyond our ability to cope. I have come to understand that the key to overcoming that despair may just be finding the strength to look beyond our own needs and seek out the everyday heroes surrounding us to make their life force a part of our own. Only then can we say that we have truly been influenced.
So there you have it. I spent 45 years, 25 adult years, never knowing how to find the humanity in my fellow human beings. Once my eyes were opened, the world was changed for me. My worst fear is that circumstances will lead me backward. That unhappy, self-centered, judgmental person is dead to me and must remain dead. If we don't remember history, we are doomed to repeat it. If we don't honor our journeys, then they are meaningless.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)