Tuesday, January 15, 2013

The Time Turner

In the third volume of the Harry Potter series, Hermoine Granger is given a device called a "Time Turner".  Spinning this device will enable the user to travel backward in time, and she uses it effectively to take classes that are only offered at the same time.  Ultimately, she uses it to change the course of events and prevent several injustices from occurring.

I wonder what my life would be like if I owned one of these devices.  I'm imagining that, for someone such as myself, it could help to prevent a great deal of heartache - not the least of which has been suffered over the years by my friends and family due to my incomprehensible impulsiveness and lack of good judgement.  At what age will I ever finally develop the wisdom to know what it means to stifle myself.  Even now, I can sit here and make 100 excuses for my behavior, but none of them will erase my actions.

Sometimes, I can actually step outside myself and watch, as I become more like my mother every day.  My mother, a woman who can say the most hurtful and judgement things without so much as the blink of an eye or the slightest bit of remorse - this will be me some day, and I feel as though I am powerless to stop this train wreck.

All this time, I have encouraged her to get out and be more social, and I think I finally understand why she has resisted and become such a recluse.  A recluse can only hurt the people who are forced to share life with her.  A recluse does not actively seek out innocent human beings to hurt with her angry words.  And there is an element of self-preservation in reclusiveness.  After all, the recluse stands a much smaller chance of hurting a person who has not only sought out her company but has become one of the most important people in her life.  The recluse does not have to feel that pain, guilt and shame. Finally, for the first time in 48 years, I am beginning to understand my mother.  I should probably compare notes with her before she becomes too senile to remember.  I wonder how many friends she has driven away with her angry words that sprang directly out of her ego.  I wonder whose list is longer.

God, please help me.  There are only two choices for me.  I must either conquer these demons once and for all, or become my mother..... because the world does not need any more people like she and I functioning as active participants.  And please help those who I've hurt to know that I seem to only be capable of doing this to those I care the most about........ nothing, absolutely nothing that I say to them in anger should be taken as any sort of directive or litmus test of them.   To those who have given up on me over the years - I don't blame you one bit.  I can only wish that you have the occasion once in a while to remember a good time or two that we shared.

The time turner...... if only there were such a device...

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