Friday, July 18, 2014

An Energy Zapper and Albatross

Earlier this week, I sat in my doctor's office and attempted to explain my fatigue to the PA.

"I sleep soundly all night, but within 3 hours of rising, I feel like going back to bed"
"My extremities feel like cement."
"No, I do not have: chest pains, shortness of breath, dizziness or swelling."
"Yes, I am in perimenopause, and it sucks.  I'm closing in on one year of this hormone hell and have learned to just expect the unexpected and to roll with the punches."

What I didn't tell her was that I am in fear of dozing off while driving and will blast the radio and roll the window down on the Thruway in an attempt not to do so.

"Am I depressed?   No."   I don't think so.... or ....... hold on, not so fast ........

I am not depressed about my family.  I was a few months ago, but I have been able to accept the realities of my situation.  While I think I have an uphill battle ahead, I am confident that I have to ability to create a new, different kind of connection with them.  Also, my daughter has been home now for almost 2 months, and I feel good about my ability to let her fly off to start her new life at the end of the upcoming school year.  I'm about 85% there...

I am not depressed about my job.  There are some new and interesting challenges presenting themselves to me that I am rather enjoying.

What does that leave?  So, over the years, I've listened to other people complain about being on the Board of Directors of this or that and how miserable and thankless of an experience it was.  I considered myself lucky that I didn't truly feel that way in my heart of hearts because I was serving a group that I loved, that we were performers, and I love to perform.

Well .......   musicians have massive egos, many are self-serving and like to whine, and of course, we are all HUMAN, but up until a couple of years ago, our Board was able to overcome this petty stuff because at the end of the day, we were united with a common goal.  This does not seem to be the case any more, and it is getting worse with each passing season, as Board members step down and new members are elected.

How illustrious are we this season that we've managed to have a blowout meltdown before we've even held one meeting.    It feels like a new low, and considering that I 've been at this since 2003, that's saying a lot.   I am just 110% tired of egos and drama getting in the way of productivity.  I'm already tired of new Board members who sit in judgement and think that they have all of the answers.   I'm tired of the lame duck President who drags his feet on almost everything, but when he does decide to act on something, he does it carelessly and independent of anyone else.   I'm tired of having to bend over backwards to accommodate the ego and insecurity of the Music Director who is so busy trying to involve herself in everyone else's responsibilities that she can't find time to fulfill her own.  I'm tired of trying to be understanding of her problems while receiving no such understanding in return.  Ever.  I'm tired of the Board member who verbally abuses us and never gets called on her behavior.  I'm tired of knee-jerk decisions that come back to bite us.  I'm tired of the general membership that wants everything "just so" ...... as long as someone else does all of the work.   The work.  The work causes a huge gray cloud to descend on my brain.  And my work on this Board has suffered.  I know that I myself am far from perfect.

The prevailing theme is that I'm tired.  Period.   And unless my thyroid or vitamin levels come back and point to something else, I have to conclude that I've now identified the issue.   Feeling physically ill 24-48 hours before a meeting is not normal or healthy.   Feeling my BP shoot up when e-mails from certain people hit my inbox is not normal or healthy.   Being constantly at odds with someone over something is not healthy (the issue and the person shifts, but the scenario is ALWAYS the same).  Being surrounded by judgmental people who attribute ill intentions to others' every move is not healthy.  All of this takes its toll after months of it turn into years with no end in sight.  The clincher is that I feel totally trapped.   I am not a quitter, and there are those individuals involved in this group that I will never, ever quit on.  So, here I sit.

This doctor's appointment was a total downer.  I now weigh more than I ever have in my life, and I simply do not have the energy to do anything about it.   And I'm not sure I can do anything about it, even if I want to.   I am now predicting that this season's Board will not survive intact through May 31, 2015.  The only question in my mind is -who will quit and when and why?  It won't be me, although if my physical condition gets much worse, I might no longer be in control of my mind and - subsequently - my actions.

God, help me to get through this to the other side so that I can begin the next phase of my life.

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