Tuesday, July 8, 2014

Day 2 - Love Myself Unconditionally

“I love myself unconditionally.”

Only on Day 2 and I am confronted with an almost impossible task.  How do I go about loving myself unconditionally when I don't even know if I'm capable of loving myself conditionally?

Stereotypically, I look back on my childhood and point out that my parents were not big on the whole "love" concept.   After they had both passed, my brother asked me one day "Did Dad ever tell you he loved you?"  I thought for a moment and replied "No, and neither did Mom".   There you have it, and we both have bent over backwards to not be that way with our own children.   Who or what did I love as a child?  I'm pretty sure I loved my parents, my brother, and -of course - my dog.   I guess I knew in some vague fashion that they all loved me.  It just was never expressed to me in any real way, and so I was never any good at expressing it myself.  No role models.   For most of my adult life, I have been atrocious at expressing real affection.   I told my parents, in their dying days, that I loved them.  I've told my husband and daughter that I loved them.   I finally said it to my brother and my niece last year.  Rarely have I said it to anyone else, but it's safe to say that when I do say it,  I really mean it.

So now I'm supposed to love myself unconditionally.   Well..... this is how I'm supposed to get there... here goes:

Self-hating thoughts:

 - I hate my body type and the fact that even when I weighed 110 pounds, I had no neck.
 - I hate that I can't express myself verbally as well as I can with the written word.
 - I hate that when I do express myself verbally, the words almost always come out overly harsh, sometimes dictatorial, occasionally even insensitive.

What is the reason or reasons for these thoughts:
 - I was chubby as a child.  My father called me fat.   Kids at school called me fat.  Even after I lost weight in Junior High and entered High School at 5'3" and 110 pounds, I was "Fat Chris".  When I looked in the mirror, I saw a fat person.  Luckily, I also loved food.  Anorexia was never an option.  I always had a flabby jawline, and I just always hated it.
- I don't know the reason why I can't verbalize my feelings.  All I can think of was that my self esteem or lack thereof just would not permit me to speak words that precisely mirrored my thoughts.

How do I change these feelings:
 - I'm not sure I can change both simultaneously.   It seems as though I would be better at verbalization if I were to feel better about my physical self.   Or vice versa?  My gut is telling me that I need to have physical self-assurance before I can attain verbal "prowess".   Maybe I need to work on one and just let the other one come along for the ride.  

Tonight I am going to take a lovely shower and indulge in a self-applied facial.  I have this exfoliation stuff that is a bit lengthy but really makes my skin feel good.  One of the recommendations is that I give myself a "self hug".   That's a tough one.  I tried.  I really did.  Part of self-acceptance is accepting that I'm not quite ready to give myself a self hug.  All in good time.

Check out the Day 2 affirmation at:  http://personalexcellence.co/blog/affirmation-day-2-self-love/

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