A New Twist on an Old Prayer

I am on the Board of Directors of the chorus for which I also sing.  While I feel that I still have many quality singing years ahead of me, I can't help but feel that my best years as a member of this Board are behind me.  My passion for it is gone, and it makes me sad, because we have great things planned for the next two seasons.  But, I am committed to these two seasons because I do believe in the ability of our Chorus to achieve great things and I still want to be a part of making that happen.  I want to believe that there is someone ready to replace me who will have the same level of commitment and passion that I brought to the table over the past 12 years.   The trouble is that there are members of this Board, new and returning, who seem to have personal agendas.  I wonder what would happen if these people were left to their own devices on this Board?  Would their agendas ultimately benefit this Chorus?  Am I so arrogant that I believe that my way (our way) is the only way or the ultimate way?  My gut is telling me that people who are self-serving will not ever  serve in the best interests of the Chorus.   My gut is telling me that when the "up and coming" people disrespect experienced veterans (as they have already done), that these people will always put their own needs ahead of the 100 or so people who elected them.   But ......  my gut has been wrong.  Frequently.   And I know that I will be stepping down in two years, and when I do, I have to find a way to accept my successor.

We are all meeting for our first Board meeting of the season tomorrow.   There have been major issues already - before we've even had a chance to meet.  I suppose it's preferable to have your opponent fire a warning shot instead of just ambushing you.  Except that these people are NOT supposed to be our opponents.   My plan for meeting prep?  Well, I thought about the Serenity Prayer this morning.  I don't see any way that I will be able to remain serene during this meeting.  Instead, I think I'll concentrate on remaining wise.

God, grant me the wisdom to enter into this encounter with an open mind.

Help me to know when to speak and when to keep my big mouth shut.

Grant me the discipline to allow all of my experiences - both good and bad -  with these people to color my actions.  

God, help me to use my intuition to be able to support my allies without being overtly partisan.

Give me the strength to take the high road and be the bigger person when necessary.

Above all, help me to remember why I am doing this, why I agreed to do this 12 years ago, and who I am really working for.    

Amen

An Energy Zapper and Albatross

Earlier this week, I sat in my doctor's office and attempted to explain my fatigue to the PA.

"I sleep soundly all night, but within 3 hours of rising, I feel like going back to bed"
"My extremities feel like cement."
"No, I do not have: chest pains, shortness of breath, dizziness or swelling."
"Yes, I am in perimenopause, and it sucks.  I'm closing in on one year of this hormone hell and have learned to just expect the unexpected and to roll with the punches."

What I didn't tell her was that I am in fear of dozing off while driving and will blast the radio and roll the window down on the Thruway in an attempt not to do so.

"Am I depressed?   No."   I don't think so.... or ....... hold on, not so fast ........

I am not depressed about my family.  I was a few months ago, but I have been able to accept the realities of my situation.  While I think I have an uphill battle ahead, I am confident that I have to ability to create a new, different kind of connection with them.  Also, my daughter has been home now for almost 2 months, and I feel good about my ability to let her fly off to start her new life at the end of the upcoming school year.  I'm about 85% there...

I am not depressed about my job.  There are some new and interesting challenges presenting themselves to me that I am rather enjoying.

What does that leave?  So, over the years, I've listened to other people complain about being on the Board of Directors of this or that and how miserable and thankless of an experience it was.  I considered myself lucky that I didn't truly feel that way in my heart of hearts because I was serving a group that I loved, that we were performers, and I love to perform.

Well .......   musicians have massive egos, many are self-serving and like to whine, and of course, we are all HUMAN, but up until a couple of years ago, our Board was able to overcome this petty stuff because at the end of the day, we were united with a common goal.  This does not seem to be the case any more, and it is getting worse with each passing season, as Board members step down and new members are elected.

How illustrious are we this season that we've managed to have a blowout meltdown before we've even held one meeting.    It feels like a new low, and considering that I 've been at this since 2003, that's saying a lot.   I am just 110% tired of egos and drama getting in the way of productivity.  I'm already tired of new Board members who sit in judgement and think that they have all of the answers.   I'm tired of the lame duck President who drags his feet on almost everything, but when he does decide to act on something, he does it carelessly and independent of anyone else.   I'm tired of having to bend over backwards to accommodate the ego and insecurity of the Music Director who is so busy trying to involve herself in everyone else's responsibilities that she can't find time to fulfill her own.  I'm tired of trying to be understanding of her problems while receiving no such understanding in return.  Ever.  I'm tired of the Board member who verbally abuses us and never gets called on her behavior.  I'm tired of knee-jerk decisions that come back to bite us.  I'm tired of the general membership that wants everything "just so" ...... as long as someone else does all of the work.   The work.  The work causes a huge gray cloud to descend on my brain.  And my work on this Board has suffered.  I know that I myself am far from perfect.

The prevailing theme is that I'm tired.  Period.   And unless my thyroid or vitamin levels come back and point to something else, I have to conclude that I've now identified the issue.   Feeling physically ill 24-48 hours before a meeting is not normal or healthy.   Feeling my BP shoot up when e-mails from certain people hit my inbox is not normal or healthy.   Being constantly at odds with someone over something is not healthy (the issue and the person shifts, but the scenario is ALWAYS the same).  Being surrounded by judgmental people who attribute ill intentions to others' every move is not healthy.  All of this takes its toll after months of it turn into years with no end in sight.  The clincher is that I feel totally trapped.   I am not a quitter, and there are those individuals involved in this group that I will never, ever quit on.  So, here I sit.

This doctor's appointment was a total downer.  I now weigh more than I ever have in my life, and I simply do not have the energy to do anything about it.   And I'm not sure I can do anything about it, even if I want to.   I am now predicting that this season's Board will not survive intact through May 31, 2015.  The only question in my mind is -who will quit and when and why?  It won't be me, although if my physical condition gets much worse, I might no longer be in control of my mind and - subsequently - my actions.

God, help me to get through this to the other side so that I can begin the next phase of my life.

Day 2 - Love Myself Unconditionally

“I love myself unconditionally.”

Only on Day 2 and I am confronted with an almost impossible task.  How do I go about loving myself unconditionally when I don't even know if I'm capable of loving myself conditionally?

Stereotypically, I look back on my childhood and point out that my parents were not big on the whole "love" concept.   After they had both passed, my brother asked me one day "Did Dad ever tell you he loved you?"  I thought for a moment and replied "No, and neither did Mom".   There you have it, and we both have bent over backwards to not be that way with our own children.   Who or what did I love as a child?  I'm pretty sure I loved my parents, my brother, and -of course - my dog.   I guess I knew in some vague fashion that they all loved me.  It just was never expressed to me in any real way, and so I was never any good at expressing it myself.  No role models.   For most of my adult life, I have been atrocious at expressing real affection.   I told my parents, in their dying days, that I loved them.  I've told my husband and daughter that I loved them.   I finally said it to my brother and my niece last year.  Rarely have I said it to anyone else, but it's safe to say that when I do say it,  I really mean it.

So now I'm supposed to love myself unconditionally.   Well..... this is how I'm supposed to get there... here goes:

Self-hating thoughts:

 - I hate my body type and the fact that even when I weighed 110 pounds, I had no neck.

 - I hate that I can't express myself verbally as well as I can with the written word.

 - I hate that when I do express myself verbally, the words almost always come out overly harsh, sometimes dictatorial, occasionally even insensitive.

What is the reason or reasons for these thoughts:

 - I was chubby as a child.  My father called me fat.   Kids at school called me fat.  Even after I lost weight in Junior High and entered High School at 5'3" and 110 pounds, I was "Fat Chris".  When I looked in the mirror, I saw a fat person.  Luckily, I also loved food.  Anorexia was never an option.  I always had a flabby jawline, and I just always hated it.

- I don't know the reason why I can't verbalize my feelings.  All I can think of was that my self esteem or lack thereof just would not permit me to speak words that precisely mirrored my thoughts.

How do I change these feelings:

 - I'm not sure I can change both simultaneously.   It seems as though I would be better at verbalization if I were to feel better about my physical self.   Or vice versa?  My gut is telling me that I need to have physical self-assurance before I can attain verbal "prowess".   Maybe I need to work on one and just let the other one come along for the ride.  

Tonight I am going to take a lovely shower and indulge in a self-applied facial.  I have this exfoliation stuff that is a bit lengthy but really makes my skin feel good.  One of the recommendations is that I give myself a "self hug".   That's a tough one.  I tried.  I really did.  Part of self-acceptance is accepting that I'm not quite ready to give myself a self hug.  All in good time.

Check out the Day 2 affirmation at:  http://personalexcellence.co/blog/affirmation-day-2-self-love/

Day #1 My past does not define my future

“Today is a brand new day. My past does not define me. My future is mine to create.”

I am feeling good so far.  Given my recent reflections on family issues and weight issues, this is the perfect way for me to start this challenge.

I have made some potentially fatal mistakes in my relationships with my family, and for quite a while I've felt like I am reaping the results.  I must now tell myself that I cannot go back in time and erase what has been done.  The lesson in all of this is that there are rarely ever the opportunities for do-overs in relationships.  I can only go forward and try to work with what I still have and build.  And yes, I am once again thankful for Facebook.  Without it, this goal would be a lot more difficult to reach.

Ever since I graduated from college and plunked myself behind a desk in an office, my weight has been an issue.  This equates to 28 years of ups, downs, fitness highs and lows, and closet upon closet of clothing ranging in sizes from 6 to 16+.  Enough.  The future is mine to shape.  I know what I have to do.   Carbohydrates are my enemy.   My daughter, the culinary and nutrition expert, tells me that whole grains are an essential part of my diet and should not be ignored.  Yet, even when I eat whole grain bread and pasta and quinoa and spelt, I have the tendency to overeat.  I am going forward knowing that it is not realistic to completely eliminate grains and glutens, but I absolutely will not eat them at each meal.  My lunch today is a Trader Joe's Korean frozen entree with beef, rice and vegetables.  For a dessert/snack I have fresh fruit.  Almonds are at the ready in my desk.

I can't give up coffee.  I see it in my future, long-term, always.  Likewise chocolate - dark and sparingly.   This is my future, so far.   One day at a time...

Oops - almost forgot - here is the link to this 15 day affirmation challenge:

http://personalexcellence.co/blog/affirmation-challenge/

Weddings, Funerals, July 4th and My Best Foot Forward

My July 4th celebration this year was like Mary Poppins - practically perfect in every way.  The only thing wrong with it was that it had to end.  Too soon.  Family gatherings that are this fun can be bittersweet when they are few and far between.

My husband says that I'm a chronic whiner.  He then adds the caveat that "it's ok" because my hometown breeds them, and for the most part, it's out of my control.    He's right.  Instead of dwelling on the inevitable months and years that will pass before such a celebration as this happens again, I need to instead smile at the memories.   Sometimes, it's easier said than done ..

Once upon a time, we all lived in the western half of New York State.   My generation stayed here and raised our kids here.  My brother married into an extremely likeable family.   Everything was an excuse for a party.  In addition to the usual holidays, there were Super Bowl parties, birthdays and huge family vacations in places like the Outer Banks, Myrtle Beach and the Adirondacks.  There was never any question that we all wanted to share significant events together.  For  a few summers, my sister-in-law's parents rented a cottage at Crystal Beach, and we would all pile over the border and enjoy the beach and company.  On one such adventure, the one and only toilet backed up.  It was a Sunday in Canada.   Faced with the prospect of hours without this vital piece of modern plumbing, we could have gone home but instead we chose to make multiple trips to Tim Hortons where I felt obligated to buy something every time I used their restrooms.   I ended up feeling like the Pillsbury Dough Boy.  At the time, I'm sure we all felt that our "styles were cramped" considerably, but right now I'd love to go back in time and re-live that weekend.

Two things happened that signaled the end of this era - the aging of my parents' generation, and the migration of my brother's kids to North Carolina.    Gradually, the "events" became fewer and farther between.  When my brother's oldest grandchild was diagnosed with kidney disease, he began spending more and more time in North Carolina.  Conversely, they rarely ventured north.  Everything that we had taken for granted became an occasional luxury to be savored and cherished.  Late last year, we lost my brother's grandson - my great-nephew.    It was a pain that was so sharp, so big... yes, that's what it was - BIG PAIN.  Big, all-consuming, heart-squeezing pain.   After his funeral, we all sat around bemoaning the fact that we had gone our separate ways.    We talked about the week-long family vacations of the old days and how we should revive that tradition at least once.   In the middle of the sorrow shone a glimmer of hope that something good might come from this.

We had determined that there was one or two weeks in August this year that would work for just about everyone, and vacation houses in Myrtle Beach were usually reasonable in August.   For whatever reason, it never came to be.    I had saved most of my precious and few vacation days, but it seemed that the enthusiasm of the moment back in December had faded.   None of the movers and shakers who had planned these vacations in the past wanted to "make it happen".   So, July 4th it would be.   No more than that.  Six hours.    The reality is that I could have fashioned myself into a new mover and shaker.   I didn't.  Truth be told,  I feared rejection, and perhaps my fear was justified.  If my brother had wanted it to happen, it would have happened - with or without me.  He is that kind of larger than life person.   The larger than life kind of person that I could never be.

So.... I am back to the fact that I'm a whiner.    Sitting here feeling sorry for myself.   Tomorrow I begin the affirmation challenge and the clean eating challenge.    My belief is that they will go hand in hand in overhauling my mental and physical condition.   And then I need to figure out how to stop dwelling on the past and, instead, looking forward to the rest of my life.

July 7th

So.... why is the date of July 7th significant?

Well ....... maybe it won't end up being significant at all, or maybe.... just maybe...... it will be the start of something big for me.

I was walking back from lunch yesterday with two ladies that I work with.  Suddenly, one of them announced to us that starting next Monday, she was going to get her shit together and start packing a lunch. Because she was tired of eating grease and crap.   Uh..... yeah!!!   Since I have been feeling especially shitty myself these days, I immediately jumped on board with this plan.   The three of us will pack a lunch and eat our packed lunches together......

.... I've been down this road before.  It never becomes permanent.  I need to make it permanent.  So, as the little voice in my head tells me "yeah, yeah, yeah.... this plan will last about a week....."  I am reviewing my daily Feedspot e-mail, and I see a blog entitled "15 day Affirmation Challenge".  I like affirmations, but I've never really known how to actually put them to use.  I read one, think "wow, that's so true" or "yeah, man, that's a good one" ......  and that's about all.  This challenge claims to provide a daily affirmation and a way to actually use it.   Now they've got my attention.

Suppose I start modifying my eating habits and I sign up for this affirmation challenge at the same time?   Am I on to something here?  The worst that can happen is that it doesn't work and I continue my gorging, and maybe you'll turn on The Biggest Loser and see my face staring back.   The best is that something finally clicks in my brain that I am worthy of better - of looking and feeling better, sleeping better, etc.,...

It was suggested that bloggers blog about this 15-day challenge.  I will do that.   Anyone interested in checking out this 15 day challenge, which begins next Monday, can do so at:

http://personalexcellence.co/blog/affirmation-challenge/ 

This should be good, one way or another .....

...they say that you're stupid...

Kids, that is.   They reach a certain age - in my daughter's case, 14 - and suddenly and unexpectedly, you are the stupidest person who ever walked the earth.   You say the sun is yellow, they say it's orange.  If it's the 15th of July and 90 degrees out and you declare that summer has "finally arrived", they will argue that "summer starts on June 21st" in a voice heavily dripping with disgust, as if you'd just declared Pepsi illegal.

At some point, they reverse course and give you hope.  They're not quite so sensitive and critical of every blessed word that escapes from that hole in the front of your face.  You start enjoying each other's company again.  Don't buy it.

At the risk of sounding like some refugee from the set of the Golden Girls, this millennial generation is exactly what the media says it is.  Hyper-sensitive.  Not rebellious like the Boomers or complacent like the Gen-X'ers.   They are absolutely not happy to hear anything critical or anything resembling advice from someone older that could be construed as criticism.  And their answer to criticism is to somehow shame the offender into shutting up or to argue down the offender until he or she is so exhausted that the logical advice no longer sounds logical, because -after all- nobody over the age of 30 knows what in the hell they're talking about.  Because everybody knows that everything you ever needed to know about life and life's lessons are learned primarily on college campuses across the USA.

What I can't figure out is this - what in the world are these 21 year old paragons of wisdom and knowledge going to do with the rest of their lives that could possibly compare to the epic experiences of college life?  Once you've experienced utopia, what else is there in life that will instill the same worldly and deep-reached knowledge?  

When you reach the pinnacle with an estimated 60 years of life still in front of you, how do you cope with the inevitable letdown?  I'm not really sure if I want to be around to find out.